Holy Crap! Another Pie Review!

Ok. I tried the apple pie. In an earlier review, I claimed that the berry pie tasted like vomit? Well the apple pie doesn't taste like vomit. It also doesn't taste good. But after trying two of them, I can tell what it is about them I don't like.

There's a strange chemical-y taste that seems to coat these things. It's kind of like how everything at McDonald's, down to the drinks, have a weird, almost warm chemical aftertaste. Yes, I just described a flavor as "warm."

The pies themselves are merely average, but that weird aftertaste left my mouth feeling like I just threw up. And that is not the mark of a good pie. I won't be trying the peach pie, as I dislike peach.

So they're not AS bad as I previously stated. I should say that for 75 cents or so, you could do a lot worse.

Games Noir Hates (Part TWO!)

And without further ado.....



5.) Big Bird's Hide and Speak (NES)


How many words can you make, before the sun goes down?

I can think of a whole lot of words, Mr. Bird. Too bad they can only be three letter words..

This isn't a game I had the privilege of playing. It was purchased for my sisters way back when they were wee tykes. Purchased for MY NES. I was enraged at the sheer audacity my parents had to purchase this for them to play on MY system. But I got over it, only to rage at the repetitive garbage coming out of our TV's speakers.

Now, don't get me wrong, edutainment is edutainment. The game did exactly what it set out to do. It gave you until the sun (arbitrary timer!) went down to spell as many three letter words as you could. Why when the sun goes down? Maybe it's to avoid being drained by the Count, or tied to a chair and tortured by Grover. Who knows.

The real demon in this game is Big Bird. This game was the first NES game I know of to feature digitized voices, and our friend Mr. Bird sure loved to talk. His voice is iconic, and was delivered in lines so slow, you could fall asleep mid sentence. And that was all I heard. All the time. And it was insanity inducing.

And if anyone thought of that Surfin' Bird song once while reading this, please punch yourself. Thank you.



4.) Demon Sword (NES)

This was the first NES game my Mother purchased for me. And like most surprise video games your parents buy you, this game was a total garbage fire.

If you've ever played Legend of Kage, also for the NES, you've played this. The premise is simple; run from left to right as the stage infinitely loops, killing jumping guys until the level arbitrarily decides to let you finish. The main character looks to be some sort of super athletic drag queen, which is a bit different from the burly Fabioesque warrior hulk on the cover. But that was pretty standard for box art back then.

So is this game an exact shameless ripoff of Kage? Yes. Yes it is. It's a little better looking, I suppose, but running around in an infinite loop killing the same flying skeleton men gets old in a hurry. And this was pretty much the only video game I owned. The best way to equate that would be to say its like the only book you own being the Yellow Pages. Yeah. It's that boring. It's five levels of boring. If I ever meet a man claiming he had the patience to beat this game, I'd call him a liar.




3.)EverQuest(PC)

Yes, that's right. I'm picking on Everquest, the first MMO that people actually PLAYED. I'm aware of games like Ultima Online, but nobody gave a damn about them.

What is there to say about this game? It lacked quests, leveling was terrifyingly slow, and it was ugly. But it was made ages ago. It was before World of Warcraft, which was far superior.

No, I'm going to talk about Dyllin. Dyllin Starsine. My roommate camped this asshole for 16 hours, just to get his hands on a page for a book. And after 16 hours, his lame ass didn't drop the page. So...another 16 hours of camping later, he kills Dyllin again, and he doesn't drop the page. That's 32 hours. Of camping. He waits ANOTHER 16 hours, and luckily Dyllin finally gives it up. TWO FULL DAYS OF SITTING AT A COMPUTER SCREEN for a page of a book that gives you a minimal stat boost. How is that game balance?

Oh wait, it's not. Screw you Everquest.



2.) Final Fantasy XII (PS2)

Speaking of MMOs, here's a sad excuse at a wannabe if I've ever seen one. Squaresoft got into this mode of thinking, and decided that since MMOs were so popular, they'd not only make one of their own, (Final Fantasy XI,) they'd also style their next mainstream game as a sort of "offline MMO." And this was an unmitigated disaster.

The ability to control your party? Gone in favor of micromanaging your character's AI, also known as "Gambits." There is nothing lamer than this. Exploration also became more MMO like, favoring big open areas full of roaming enemies. While this might not sound SO awful, all it takes is two steps in the wrong direction for your entire party to get wiped by a monster ten times your level. Fun!

I'd comment on the characters in the game, but I didn't play long enough to get to know them. Vaan, the main character, is annoying as hell.

The sad thing is, this bullshit has continued on in the forms of Final Fantasy XIII and XIV. Another "Offline MMO" and another actual MMO. Way to suck, Square.





1.) Halo: Combat Evolved (XBOX)

Really. Say you were surprised.

Halo was, at its core, a mediocre shooter. But what it lacked in gameplay, it made up for in multiplayer wackiness. It ushered in a whole new era of online play, and brought a lot of people into the world of gaming.

People like these fine gentlemen:



Yes, Halo brought douchebags to gaming. And they never left. No matter what game you play online today, it's more than likely that 90% of the guys you playing come from Camp Douchebag. And I'm not about to whine that gaming was always a nerd's sport, but I will say that they're not the ones teabagging your corpse, calling you "fag", or talking about how they know how to play shooters because they are/were in the military.

It's these guys who make it hard to even go into a game store on a release date. There was a whole crowd of people like these guys waiting outside of Gamestop to buy Call of Duty last week, all giving us looks as we wandered in to buy our non-shooter game. That's the funny part about these guys; they play games, but they judge those who play anything but Madden and shooters. I don't give a crap if you like Haloz, but you don't have to be a dick about it.

Halo is like that one woman in a zombie movie who thinks she sees her dog or loved one outside, and throws the doors open to let them in, only to flood the place with death and chaos.

And there you have it. There's my list. Maybe I'll do one of games I love next time, just to prove that there's some things out there I don't hate.

Or not. Whatever I feel like.

Games Noir Hates. (part one)

So, I've done a lot of complaining about games. And it never seems like I enjoy any game whatsoever. And this assumption would be true! Okay, it's not completely true. But there are some games I hate far more than others, and instead of griping about genres, I thought I'd just touch on a few specific games. These may not be the worst games of all time, but they fill me with hatred nonetheless. Without further ado...





10.) Two Worlds (Xbox 360)

I'll be completely honest. I spent about a half hour with this game before writing it off as one of the worst abortions gaming could jettison from its loins. It all starts with the incredibly generic fantasy world, and goes screaming downhill from there. It's like the creators wanted to make a game that was as bad, creepy and immature as possible. Just within the first few minutes, you get implied incest between the main character and his sister, as well as the hilarity of him running around asking people where he can find "The Taint." I don't know what the Taint is in this world, but I know what it is in mine, and I certainly wouldn't walk around talking about it.

Not only is the setting idiotic, the gameplay is worse. It's glitched beyond belief, with such fun moments as your character suddenly becoming stuck in midair after a jump. And combat? Well it's frustratingly random and void of any strategy. No matter what weapon you equip, your character flails it in front of him like an extra from a bad kung fu flick. Aside from magic, you have to get right in your enemy's face and flail on the attack button until either you kill him, or he kills you. And speaking of enemies, there are maybe five unique foes in the game, and all the monsters are pretty much just recolored versions of the core five.

So yes, I hate this game. But it's probably because I don't have brain damage. All the positive reviews I've seen for the game are rife with misspellings and god awful grammar. So maybe this game is for them?

SPECIAL BONUS! The Two Worlds official strategy guide actually misspells the title right on the front cover and spine. That's hilarious. The game also comes with a pen and paper role playing book based on itself, so you can bring your misery to your friends!



9.)The Adventures of Batman and Robin (Sega Genesis)

Oh Batman. I want to tell you this game is bad. It really isn't, but its so damned difficult it borders on unplayable. The difficulty starts right out of the gate, and doesn't let up for a second. The entire game is essentially a boss rush mode, with each boss having about 100 "hp." That doesn't seem like much, but when you have to hit the boss twenty times to deal 1HP worth of damage, the fights can drag on forever. And you're fragile enough to go down with a hit or two. GOOD LUCK!




8.) Koudelka (PS1)

Oh my god. This game. This freaking game. This game is the fusion of a grid based RPG game and a survival horror game. You basically stumble around a house of horrors, killing monsters and trying to make sense out of the game's ridiculous plot. And stumble is the right word for it, because most of the house of horrors is open to you from the start. You can find weapons, like lead pipes and such, but their placement is random every time you play, as is their elemental attributes. That's right, you can pick up a lead pipe with a water attribute. And that randomness really kicks you in the ass when you go up against a boss that's immune to all but a certain element, and the game decides not to give you a weapon with that element. This means you're boned and you have to start over from the beginning. And this will happen frequently, so you're going to have to pray luck is on your side. But it's not. The gods of fortune hate you.

As you explore, you'll get into random encounters. The enemies can be hilariously easy, or absurdly hard, even right from the beginning. In the first area of the game, I encountered a random encounter enemy that was harder than the final boss! Again, luck plays a factor here. And as I've stated before, the gods of fortune have forsaken you.

SPECIAL BONUS! The screenshot I found for the game shows that very same super difficult enemy! Upside-down gun-toting zombie man!




7.) Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter (PS2)

I'll put it out there right away. Breath of Fire is god. This is my all-time favorite RPG series, and I hungrily absorb any new game that comes out. That being said, this game is so rage inducing that I'm likely to forget my manners and tell the whole series to die in a fire.

Why? You can't win. The game is cleverly designed in a way where you can't even beat the first boss. You WILL die. And when you do, the game asks you if you want to start a new game. When you die, SOME of your stats and acquired monies carry over to the new game, meaning that you'll need to restart the game from scratch multiple times to be able to advance. They do throw in extra scenes and other plot bits that pop up each time you do so, but there's no fun in replaying the game over and over again just to beat it.



6.)DragonBall Z: Budokai (PS2)

Hey look! A DragonBall Z game! The first one released in America no less! This is gonna be AWESOME! Wait...why can't the characters fly? Why can't they shoot big death beams? Why am I only pushing the punch button? Why does this game suck?

I just listed the games horrible flaws. You expect to fly in a Dragonball Z game. This is not heard of here. You can knock an opponent into the air, but then the two of you wind up awkwardly standing on the air as if it were ground. This is especially hilarious when you beat a guy down and he just sort of..lies on his back in midair. And big destructive energy blasts? No. The only way to do a Kamehameha is to push the energy button while you're mashing the punch button for a combo. All energy attacks are tied into combos, which eliminates the beam throwing antics from the show in favor of a ridiculous game of "who can push punch the fastest."

Granted, later games in the series actually let you throw your energy attacks independent of the punch button, they still had the same overall gameplay. And that overall gameplay was a GIGANTIC disappointment for me, seeing as how I had been eagerly anticipating a DBZ game for years.



5.) Megaman Legends 3

(Edit. This game got cancelled. It doesn't exist. So I hate it for not even coming out. Capcom done goofed here.)

I hate video games.

Look at the top games today. They're all bland, uninspired crap that we've seen a hundred times before. It's a field that's been sliced open and stuffed full of pure trash. It's really hard for me to go into a store and settle on a game these days, and even harder to go home and get some enjoyment out of whatever I do decide to buy. Out of the dozen or so games I've probably purchased this year, I can say I've maybe enjoyed oh..maybe two or three of them?

Today, I'm going to talk about what kinds of games you can find out there, and what pisses me off about them. ENJOY.

Here are the offenders, categorized by genre:


1.) First Person Shooters.
Biggest Offenders: Call of Duty, Halo, Singularity, Medal of Honor

Oh first person shooters. You are the ultimate in uninspired bullshit design. No matter what gimmick you toss into the game, it will always boil down to you looking down the gun barrel at a Nazi, foreigner, Russian, zombie or alien. That's it. Find a first person shooter that doesn't use any of these antagonists. Please, I DARE you.  I do understand that these games are typically designed for multiplayer, but that doesn't make them any less derivative. If I'm going to spend 60 dollars on a game, it damned well better have a single player campaign that lasts more than 4 hours.

Point gun, shoot bad guy. Points for getting the head. Rinse and repeat until the next edition of Halo comes out. There's a new Halo or Call of Duty every year it seems, and none of them seem to do anything more than add a handful of guns and maps. I'm not paying 60 bucks for a new in game map.

I am aware that there are also third person shooters out there, which are essentially the same as all of the first person shooters out there, except you can see your grunting loaf of a man's ass as you play.


2.) Brawlers
Biggest Offenders: God of War, Castlevania: Lords of Shadows, Bayonetta, Dante's Inferno, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

Oh. My. God. Here's another horrible group. The common brawler. And we have God of War to thank/blame for just about all of it. Rampage through hordes of the same bad guys, flail on your controller buttons until they beg for mercy, repeat until the game is over. Toss in a few quick time events, and you've got the makings of game of the year!

The biggest problem today is that all brawlers ARE God of War. Kill baddies, push the button the game tells you to, and watch gruesome death scenes. Oh, the gruesome death scenes. They're typically ridiculously over the top and unnecessary. All of these games are typically headed by a bulky, angry protagonist whose only weak spots are their dead families. At least four of the games I mentioned above have this kind of protagonist.

And the puzzles. Oh god, the puzzles. I understand that they exist to provide a kind of breather from the mutilation of mythological figures, but they happen so frequently that you just want to skip them and get on with the murdering. If you're going to integrate a puzzle into a game, it should make some logical sense. Kratos stacking blocks Tetris style DOES NOT make logical sense.

3.) Sandbox Games
Biggest Offenders: Grand Theft Auto, Saint's Row, Mafia, Red Dead Redemption. Any open-world Spiderman game.

I don't have a lot of particularly negative things to say about this genre. The problem with open world sandbox gaming is that its so damned open world. I like having stuff to do, but cripes, sometimes there's just too much to do. And why the hell does there always need to be a race in these games? The driving controls are usually awful and don't lend themselves at all to difficult racing sequences.

You'd believe everyone in LA, New York, and the old west wants you to kill and race. All the time. Hell, even Ultimate Spider-Man had a race sequence every couple of minutes.

(Edit: Here we are ten years later and well...some of these are really rad now. Sony's Spiderman is amazing, and Saint's Row got really awesome as it took a hard left right into parody and humor. But there's still TOO MUCH TO DO!)

4.) Sports Games
Biggest Offenders: Madden, NBA, NHL, FIFA, most racing games.

Same junk every year, with only marginal additions or features added. If you like spending 60 bucks yearly on the same game, be my guest.

5.) Music Games
Biggest Offenders: Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero

Note that I didn't mention Rock Band. There's a reason for that. let's take a look at the release list for Guitar Hero and Rock Band, shall we?

Guitar Hero:

Guitar Hero
Guitar Hero II
Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock
Guitar Hero World Tour
Guitar Hero 5
Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock
Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks the 80's
Guitar Hero Smash Hits
Guitar Hero On Tour
Guitar Hero On Tour Decades
Guitar Hero On Tour Modern Hits
Band Hero

Rock Band

Rock Band
Rock Band 2
Rock Band 3
Beatles Rock Band
Green Day Rock Band
Lego Rock Band
Rock Band Unplugged

Rock Band has half the games out that Guitar Hero does. Even if you got rid of the band-centric and portable releases, you're looking at three core Rock Band games to six Guitar Heroes. Guitar Hero releases multiple titles every year, while Rock Band takes its time. This is, of course, because people eat it up, and because Activision has questionable business ethics.

But however you break it down, you can't walk into a store without being assaulted by millions of plastic guitars and band kits. And it's a lottery to see if the one you buy even WORKS out of the box.

I'm not mentioning karaoke games, because they're way too niche in comparison.

6.) The next evolution of RPGs.
Biggest Offenders: Mass Effect, Fallout 3, Final Fantasy XII and XIII.

One day, someone decided that making a turn-based game that had an adventuring party would be lots of fun. And it was. Japan REALLY loved them some turn-based RPGs.

But then, people got tired of them. So they looked to MMOs for a new way to play, which led to the Final Fantasy XII devolving into an uncontrollable mess of a game, where party control was thrown aside in favor of AI controlled party members. This trend continued into the incredibly linear Final Fantasy XIII. Which I'm told was made to appeal to more "western" gamers.

Western gamers. Huh. America tried its hand at new RPGs too, given us the same testosterone laden gunfests we get from our shooters. Fallout 3 is an RPG? noo...it's a first person shooter. Not a bad game, but not an RPG. Mass Effect is more of a third person shooter with stats as well. America likes its shooters. But they're still NOT RPGs.

7.) Anything on a Nintendo System.
Biggest Offenders: Wii, DS.

The Wii is a cesspool of horrid shovelware games. The best games are rather obscure and sell poorly, in favor of trash like Dancing with the Stars, The Biggest Loser, and any of the twenty five million Mario sports titles. Games based on TV shows are the norm, and they're all terrible. I own a DS, and there are a good couple of games on it, but the rest are all awful games that should have never have seen the light of day. I'm looking at you Petz.


I could mention casual games, and Facebook games, but I don't so much consider these games as anything more than social dalliances. That would be like badmouthing Clue or Monopoly I think. These are games that are meant to be played with other people, love them or hate them. But Facebook games are nothing more than ways to leech people's money on supposedly "free" games.


But. There is a saving grace. Digital Downloads. Almost all of the good games I've played this year have been downloadable titles. Scott Pilgrim, Trine, Costume Quest, DeathSpank, these are quirky and interesting titles that may have their shortcomings, but they're charming and original enough to overlook them.

Not that all downloadable games are good. I'm looking at you Blade Kitten.


That's all I can think of right now. I'm not saying that these games are all terrible, just that it doesn't seem like there's any variety anymore. Unique games don't make money, so companies don't like to make them. It's a business, where the things I think are stale are considered "standard" by gamers of today. So if you have as difficult a time as I do finding good games, take a hard look at the guy in the store spending three hundred dollars on a copy of Call of Duty that comes with night vision goggles. Then beat him to death, because no man who buys those goggles is planning to do something wholesome.

I'm reviewing Banquet's Fruit Pies!

Oh lord. It tasted like vomit! I'd like to try to the apple flavored pie, but somehow I fear that it could be worse. Stay away, unless you like the taste of vomit. And if you do like that particular taste, what the hell is wrong with you?

The Human Centipede: You Never Go Ass to Mouth.

See that image right there? If you can stomach that, you've seen the worst this movie has to offer.


I picked this up from my local Family Video after hearing all sorts of nonsense about how the movie is controversial, shocking, horrifying, etc. I found it to be none of these things.

One Dr. Heiter, a man of questionable medical integrity, decides that he's going to sew three human beings together ass-to-mouth, and call it a human centipede. He mentions being an expert at separating conjoined twins, but apparently has the desire to go in the opposite direction and um..conjoin them again.

He kidnaps three people, two American girls and a trucker, for the project. He decides the trucker isn't compatible, and kills him before moving on to a Japanese man as the head of his glorious "centipede." He gleefully explains their fate to them, with a slideshow to go along with it, and then its surgery time.

Obviously there's more, but that would be spoileriffic. And from the little plot synopsis I've given, you've really seen the worse this movie has to offer. There's really no gore factor, and bandages conveniently cover any of the squicky bits, leaving you with a trio of people crawling in close proximity to each others' anuses.

Now I may be jaded or possibly numb to this sort of thing, but five minutes into your average SAW movie produces horrors ten times worse than this. The most disturbing part of the film is probably Dr. Heiter himself, played by a German actor named Deiter Laser. And that is an AWESOME name to go with an awesome actor. He plays a very manic character, who has an almost childlike glee towards his amazing creation, dancing around it merrily as he watches the lead human poop into the middle human's mouth. (luckily, it's implied rather than shown.) He flies into fits of rage at the drop of a hat, and treats his "centipede" like a housepet.

The lack of any real motivation behind his actions is what makes him so scary, and what makes the movie so weird. If you're easily wigged out by implied body horror, implied defecation, and implied weird shit, this movie isn't for you. But if you've seen any of today's "torture porn" movies like Saw or Hostel, then this is pretty much a yawn factory, as you've seen it all before, but with actual gore and nastiness.

Is it worth it? Yes. Laser's performance MAKES this movie. It's certainly the weirdest thing you'll see today outside of internet videos. The other actor's dialogue is meaningless and cliche, falling into the "You won't get away with this!" school of cliches, but again, watch Dr. Heiter's every move and facial expression. The man is a joy to watch. I think I may have felt more for him than his victims, and probably because he was the only three-dimensional character in the whole movie.

So stop being a baby, and go rent it. If this is as super controversial as it's made out to be, then our standards have gotten a bit low.

Trevor the Traction Engine: A public Warning

Gaze upon the Island of Sodor's most terrifying predator. Trevor is a traction engine with a love. A love of CHILDREN. And boy howdy, does he love them. They come up in every conversation he has, and in pretty much every sentence that comes out of his vile mouth. He especially loves when a wooden seat is bolted to his rear so the children can ride him. When he isn't talking about children, or isn't dangerously near children, he can be found either sleeping in his barn and dreaming of children, or merely closing his eyes and thinking about children.

His reign of terror was almost over, as his owner (presumably) realized that Trevor was a danger to the children on the island. He was sent away to the scrapyard, and was only days away from being broken down into parts when he was discovered by another engine named Edward. Trevor quickly concocted a sob story, and Edward went back to his owners to plea for Trevor to be restored and saved.

A reverend purchased Trevor for cheap, unaware of the evil bubbling deep in his boiler. He brought him to the vicarage orchard, where he works moving things. On days when there's a church fair, he becomes like a fox in a henhouse, surrounded by his favorite prey.

So watch yourselves. Behind that evil smile lies the heart of a predator. Plead with his owner to scrap him before another child is harmed!

Noir Reviews: A Game Based on a Book that is also a Movie.

The game under the knife today is Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: the Game

I put down my ten bucks on this game last Tuesday, and I've been hooked on it like an addict is hooked on street pharmaceuticals. This game takes me back to the good old days when games just wanted you to walk from left to right, kicking the ever-loving snot out of anybody and anything that gets in your way. The game is pretty strongly reminiscent of River City Ransom in particular, an NES game that was near and dear to my heart.

The gameplay is pretty much as I described the other beat em' ups. Walk from left to right, and kick the crap out of everything, from paparazzi to emo kids. Enemies drop coins, which can be used to buy items that restore life, or offer all sorts of boosts to your stats. You can choose one of four characters from the outset,and as you cripple fools, those characters will level up, learning new moves along the way. Everything about the game oozes old-school, right down to cheap rushes by hordes of enemies. Prepare to spend a good amount of time replaying stages to save up enough coin to improve your characters, because the ride is a bumpy one.

Now, I know a lot of reviewers have a fit about the game not having online multiplayer, or drop in drop out co-op, but I'm a lonely soul who doesn't give a whit about multiplayer, and the game definitely sees fit to punish my ass for attempting to go solo. Some levels are just absolutely infested with enemies, and you get to enjoy watching your character get bounced around like a volleyball. The game is hard. Not impossible by any means, but hard enough to frustrate a lot of people who didn't grow up playing games that hurt their feelings. The game is a throwback to a fondly remembered era, and there are even tons of references to a lot of those old games as you play.

As for the plot of the game, read the damned graphic novels, or go see the movie. I'm not a damned storyteller. All I'll say is there are 7 evil ex-boyfriends, and they all need to have their asses kicked. I was only vaguely aware of the books before I played the game, and after reading the first volume, I can say the game is a nice companion, and playing it first won't ruin your ability to enjoy the books. Go buy them. Support artists and books. Read for once.

So obviously, I love this game. I'm listening to the game's soundtrack as I type this. The soundtrack is flat-out amazing, with songs by Anamanaguchi, some artists I knew nothing about before this game came out. Needless to say, if you love old school game music, this game's soundtrack is astounding, and it really helps to make the game a winning package.

For those who like numbers, I'd rate this game as a 9/10. A point gets taken off for some mildly stiff controls, and some aggravating cheap shots, but otherwise, this is one of the best, if not the best, game I've played all year. Suck on that first person shooters and sports games. Suck on that.

Noir Reviews: Transformers Generations Autobot Drift

Good god. Look at that smug bastard. It's as if he knows his toy is good, and doesn't give a damn what you think.


I picked this guy up from Target the other day, and was kind of pleased with him. His alternate mode is a sort of race car, covered in "ancient Cybertronian symbols." I could describe it more, but I'm a lazy jerk. It is white though.

His robot mode is so very samurai that it hurts. Or ninja. I can't really tell. Look at the freaking picture, you can tell. He comes with three swords, two tiny ones and one huge ass one that is about the same height as drift himself. It is also covered in "ancient Cybertronian symbols."

Overall, the figure is nice. It seems to have a bit of trouble standing under its own power, which tends to lend itself to posing issues. The two tiny swords fit in sheaths on his sides, and his huge ass sword sits on his back when not in use. The transformation itself is clean and complex without being annoying, a rare quality to find these days.

So yes, I love this toy. But I don't like the character. Oh god, do I hate this guy. He's like a bad fanfiction character come to life. He happens to be a Decepticon that for some reason got tired of being awesome and cutting people's heads off, so he became tormented, joined the Autobots for mysterious atonement reasons, and now cuts off even more heads than before. Go Drift! And does he really need three swords? Unless he can wield them all at once, they're kinda overkill. He's not even part of the Transformers universe originally. IDW comics created him for their comics line, then quickly devoted their issues to polishing Drift's ego every chance they got. I've seen this guy in so many anime and manga already, he doesn't even have the common shtick of being kind of a pansy or goofball once he switched sides.

You hear that Drift? even Kenshin is better than you. And I hate Kenshin. I will enjoy your toy, but you sir, are dead to me.

And I'm pretty sure that your "ancient Cybertronian symbols" are Japanese. Way to be a weeaboo.

Noir reviews the spawn of Satan. Um..I mean Singamajig

Gaze. Gaze upon the face of horror. Those faces belong to the Singamajig, the newest resident in the world of toys that will rise up and kill you while you're sleeping. And they'll be belting out tunes while they do it.

My daughter received one of these for her birthday, and words cannot describe the horror I felt upon messing with it for a minute or two. She happened to get the yellow one, which has easy to remove clothing for some reason, and the eeriest red eyes I've ever seen on a toy.

When you push the stomach, the horrid little beast emits a sound that may or may not sound like singing. It's hard to tell, because it's raspy little voice is reminiscent of a chain-smoking toddler. You push its hand, and it emits a different range of gibberish noises, which are probably some words spoken in demonic tongue. The possessed red eyes attest to that. Another push of the hand causes it to sing "Home on the Range." Well, kind of. It'll belt out one syllable every time you push the stomach, making the whole thing sound disjointed and eerie, as if it were sung by an old school animatronic pizza place animal.

Did I mention the thing this thing has teeth? No? well it does. an upper set and a lower set, both made of either hard plastic or possibly fiendish cartilage. When you push its stomach to hear it belt out another curse to its lord and master Baphomet, its mouth opens into an O shape, and you see its two little sets of teeth. This is entirely uncalled for, and only helps ramp up my belief that these things are out to kill your children.

So beware, parents. If one of these enters your home, immediately throw it in the garbage disposal while simultaneously pouring holy water down the drain. This will only serve to anger it, but you may be able to trap it in the disposal long enough to get to the occult bookstore and find a way to properly kill it. Otherwise, you, your family, and the world are in peril. And if you get home, and hear that sound of a raspy toddler singing public domain songs, for the love of god keep your back to the wall and don't walk near any place it can hide under.

You have been warned.

Noir Reviews Minute Maid Premium Cherry Limeade Drink With Other Natural Flavors

OHMYGOD!!! ITS LIKE DRINKING BATTERY ACID!!! WHY DOES IT BURN???!!!

Noir Reviews the Twilight Saga

*Stares*




*Looks away*




*Stares again*

Noir finally reviews the KFC Double Down.

This time, I forgo any attempts at assigning a score. My brilliance is far above arbitrary numbers. At least, unless people like numbers. Then I may make concessions so that your brains can be told how much I like or hate something using easy to digest digits.


Oh how dare they. How dare KFC decide that their sandwich is too good for a bun. How dare they saddle the consumer with an unholy concoction that will surely only serve to further fatten and kill them? The audacity! Damn you KFC, damn you and your machinations. If it wasn't so delicious, and if I gave a crap about any of that other stuff, I may have choice words for our good friend the Colonel.

So for those of you who live under a rock, the Double Down is two hunks of fried chicken, with bacon, cheese, and special sauce between them. It baffles my mind that anybody would order this thing, and write up a review about how the damned thing doesn't have a bun. That's just people looking for a reason to whine about something. And that makes me hate them.

And is it delicious? Yes it is. It's also expensive as hell. Mine cost me over almost six bucks, which is more than some of their value meals. So if there is a downside, it might be the cost. Some might argue that the nutritional value is another giant downside. But I call them weak.

Seriously, why complain about how the fast food sandwich has enough sodium to kill you outright? It's no mystery that fast food is pretty much lethal. You don't go there because it's good for you. You go there because it's food. Served fast. Hence, fast food. Don't be that guy who orders six cheeseburgers, then orders a Diet Coke because you're "watching your weight." Nobody's buying it. You are full of delusions my friend. Hell, some fast food salads are worse for you than this thing. Shut up.

So, it costs a fortune, and it's pretty much lethal. But is it delicious?

Yes.

I admit I don't know what the secret sauce tastes like, as mine was suspiciously without the secret concoction. It was also searing hot, spitting its flesh scorching juices at me with every bite. That's right, this sandwich is already at the height of audacity with its refusal to wear a bun, it also attempts to sear your tender flesh. How can you not like that?

Maybe I'll grab another one and try again, when I don't need to take out a home loan to afford it. But for the time being, I was impressed. And maybe that's the way it should remain. Like, forever frozen in delicious time. A memory of goodness that can never be revisited again, or I face tarnishing that memory.

So yes, I like it. Take your bunless meat prejudice and shove it.

Noir Attempts a Second Grilling.

So yes, you've read how the Uniflame grill is an unholy beast. Well, I tried it again a couple of days ago, and it grilled just fine. Though this was only after my daughter touched it and got burnt. I believe it truly does desire the flesh of the innocent to function. This is fine, because tomorrow is another grilling day, and I've got a freshly chopped up neighborhood kid to feed to it.

See? we can get along. I desire grilled meat, you desire human flesh. We'll meet each other's demands and have no problems. Burn my daughter again, and I will take a sledgehammer to you.

Noir Reviews fireworks in Hudson

Noir Reviews Fireworks in Hudson


So, like every super patriotic red-blooded American, we went out to gawk at fireworks on July 2nd. This is because only terrorists actually go out to watch them on the 4th. Or was it the other way around? Or maybe terrorists are the ones setting off the displays. Or maybe they’re the ones walking around selling sparkling LED Uncle Sam hats and faux lightsabers in an effort to drain Americans of their precious monies. Well, Mr. Terror Man, we don’t need your help throwing away our money. That just happens to be an area we already excel in. Anyway, ON TO THE REVIEW!



Location: (5/5)

The spot we ended up at was just outside of a company’s parking lot. The location was prime for firework viewing, with lots and lots of grass available for sitting. There was enough space so that everyone could be spread out, and for an antisocial hatemonger like myself, that can be a dream. I will watch my explosive money wasting display in peace, thank you very much.

Human Tolerance Factor: (1/5)

Oh my god. The people at this thing were so damned obnoxious and stupid that it baffles the mind. I mentioned that there was plenty of room, which was true. So why, pray tell, did we need kids playing football right next to our picnic blanket? There was SOOO much space to play around there without these two morons disrupting our personal space and trying to tackle each other only inches from our sitting space. There was also a guy standing around with a Nerf football posing like an idiot in front of his girlfriend’s camera, which isn’t so much annoying as it is sad.

Also, STOP TAKING YOUR PETS TO THESE THINGS! I don’t get why you’d take your easily spooked dog to a display where giant loud bright things rock the sky. And I don’t recall any of the pet owners I saw wielding bags to clean up their precious poochie’s steaming shits. The place isn’t a bathroom, it’s private property. Leave our damned pets at home. No matter what you think, Fido doesn’t give a damn about our country’s independence. He doesn’t need to be there to celebrate it.

And free glowsticks are nice…I guess, but the attached advertisements for kids Christian Church are a bit subversive. If they actually did a competent job of glowing, I might have been grateful. I hope the glowsticks weren’t supposed to represent God’s light or anything, because they were very dim indeed. (Funny side note, I was told that they represented as much when I went to one of these things as a kid. God’s light was worn as a necklace, and was much brighter that year. What happened?)

Also, a special shout out to Hershey’s of Hudson. Way to ignore me while I stood in front of your stand to buy popcorn. I was the only person there when I arrived, and as soon as I stepped up to buy something, you ignored me and helped the people that arrived behind me. Not just once, mind you, but three times. I don’t know what your damned problem was, but I loathe you. Way to be professional.



Fireworks! (3/5)

The main event. The thing we came to see. And they were pretty meh. Small town fireworks aren’t the most impressive things you’ll ever see, but these were kinda phoned in this year. Lots of cities are cutting back on fireworks though, thanks to the crappy economy. The show started an hour later than projected, and the grand finale was pretty weak. That’s all. It’s a shame I couldn’t tell what half of the shaped fireworks were supposed to be.


Total: (9/15)


So there you have it. If there was an upside, it was being able to spend time with my family. This was my daughter’s first fireworks display, and she was enthralled. (Well, at least to the level a two year old’s attention span will allow. You can’t really put a score to quality time with your family, unless they’re a bunch of assholes. The family aspect was awesome. As for the rest….well the city of Hudson can go to hell. At least until we inevitably wind up there again next year. Oh, you clever terrorists, making it convenient enough for us to return next year. But I still won’t buy your glowing expensive crap. So your victory is bittersweet at best.

Noir Reviews Mega Man X6

Noir Reviews Mega Man X6


Oh X6. I’ve been waiting to get to this game for a very very long time. It’s been years since I first cracked the factory seal on it and put it through its paces, but now is time for a reckoning. It was at this point that I realized that being a Mega Man fan was like being in a relationship not unlike the kind you see in lifetime original movies. Mega Man X5 was a definite downturn in the series, but X6 will beat the ever loving crap out of you, taking cheap shots just to rub salt in your wounds. But you’ll struggle through it anyway, because your love blinds you to just how bad you’re being treated.

On with the review! It's a long one!

Today, we’ll be using four categories rather than three, because I’m finding I like it better for video game reviews. The max score is now 20 rather than 15.


Story
Graphics
Sound
Gameplay

Story: (1/5)

What a mess. The basic plot is the same as just about every X game before it. Virus has run amok. Bad robots are killing folks. That’s about it. What makes this one so damned awful is all the incomprehensible plot developments, shockers, and secrets. Zero was killed in the last game, but he’s all better now. He hid himself away so he could fix himself. FROM DEATH. This is great timing, as an evil virus Zero is running around killing folks, though we don’t know where he came from or why.

A reploid scientist named Gate is “investigating” the virus incident, but he really just wants to get his hands on Zero’s hot body. There’s his reploid assistant, Isoc, who also wants to get Zero’s body too, and claims he is intimately familiar with Zero. There’s a robot that works for them name Hi-Max, who looks like the unholy love child of Roger Smith AND the Big O. He just likes to float around and talk about how superior he is. And there’s also the minor baddie, Dynamo, from X5, who is out to get Virus DNA because its something to do. There’s also a bit of backstory between Gate and Alia, X and Zero’s navigator, but the game’s poor translation makes it impossible to decipher what their history really is.

Oh, and of course the series’ big bad guy, Sigma, is there too, but he’s not behind anything. He only shows up at the very end of the game to take you on, in a half-dead body that isn’t even capable of coherent thought. His most memorable line was “JUSDIE ZELOOOO!!!” Yep. That’s an actual quote.

I mentioned the poor translation. Almost none of the text makes sense in the game. It’s “A WINNER IS YOU” bad. There are also frequent misspellings running rampant as well. I know Mega Man isn’t known for its deep plotlines, but at least they were all simple, and made some sense. This game couldn’t even address any of the hanging plot threads from the last two games. It gets one point for um..continuing the plot anyway, I suppose.

Graphics: (3/5)

As this is a PS1 era game, it obviously can’t be held to the same graphical standards as games today. But compared to other PS1 games, the Mega Man games weren’t exactly graphic powerhouses. This one is no exception, but for some ungodly reason, this game has a fetish for weird nonsensical backdrops and background images. The level that comes to mind the most is Gate’s Laboratory, the final stage of the game. The background is littered with giant, squatting robotic demons. They’re not enemies, or obstacles, they’re just chilling in the background looking like they’re squatting to take a dump. It’s like they couldn’t come up with anything decent to toss in there, and somebody in the art department screamed “FILL IT WITH GIANT SHITTING ROBOT BAPHOMETS!” The other stages are just as guilty of this, like the junkyard stage with gaudy children’s television show colors, or the giant flickering robot in the background of the weapons lab stage. This thing IS actually an obstacle, but its mere presence is distracting and makes the stage far more difficult as a result.

Sound: (2/5)

This game gets a 1 in the sound department, but only because the sound effects are pretty much the same as they have been since X4. The music is a whole different story. Mega Man games tend to be known for their infectious tunes, but this trend started to die when the series hit the 32 bit generation. For an action game, X6’s soundtrack is strangely mellow. Of the eight main stages, only two of them don’t come off sounding like narcolepsy inducing elevator tunes. And those six background tunes are so mellow and muted that they’re practically buried behind the other game sound effects. The two stages where the music isn’t mellow have obnoxiously hyperkinetic tunes that sound like someone wailing randomly on an electric instrument. The theme for Gate’s Laboratory is pretty good, and is infectious enough to remain in memory. But that’s one song out of many. I guess I'll give it a two for that song alone.

Gameplay: (1/5)

This is going to be a long one. Get some popcorn and get comfy,

This game is so freaking broken it hurts. The difficulty, the controls, and the stages themselves are all a gigantic cluster of bad ideas.

The controls are essentially the same as every other X game. But Capcom, in their infinite wisdom, decided that the game’s obstacles weren’t difficult enough , so they screwed with the control settings so that you die every time you push a button. The game has multiple ladders and wires to grab onto, which require only holding the up button on the directional pad. But the second you need to attack an enemy, you push the attack button only to have Zero scream like a lunatic and launch himself downwards towards the nearest bottomless pit. Apparently the most commonly used button in the game, the one you use to go…UPWARDS, can be combined with an attack button to send you DOWNWARDS. That’s just bad design.

The difficulty of this game is off the charts. It’s bad enough that there are millions of bottomless pits to navigate, each stage seems to want you so dead, they decide to throw even more crap at you while you attempt to make those jumps. I’m going to touch on each stage briefly, just to highlight this tomfuckery.

Commander Yammark’s stage: There are unkillable enemies that hover over huge chasms. They can be disabled temporarily, but when you try to jump past them, they like to resurrect themselves and nail you mid-jump. Oh yeah, and there’s a cave full of blind jumps where there are spikes always just offscreen, and you need to land on the backs of microscopic moving enemies to proceed. And this is the easiest stage.

Ground Scaravich’s stage: There are literally balls of shit that appear randomly, swiftly, and out of nowhere that WILL collide with you while navigating some tricky ass jumps. Oh, and the stage’s layout itself changes everytime you play it.

Blaze Heatnix’s stagel: The entire stage is a boss fight against multiple giant red metal donuts. They’re hard enough by themselves to kill, but combine them with rising lava? Fuuuuuu...

Blizzard Wolfang’s stage: This level is home to ice avalanches that suddenly scream down from above while trying to jump between slippery platforms, and there are areas where ice falls from above, and you need to climb up them mid-fall to escape. Imagine trying to jump on Tetris blocks to go up.

Rainy Turtloid’s stage: Oh lord. This stage. The entire area is a huge bottomless pit with tiny moving platforms no wider than your character. Enemies pop out of the hole to attempt to collide with you. And there’s no time to plan or time your jumps, because there’s a constant acid rain that chips your health away.

Metalshark Player’s stage: The ENTIRE stage is a trash compactor, where the ceiling constantly goes up and down, forcing you to scurry into hidey holes to stay safe. But a lot of those holes have insta-kill spikes. In fact, pretty much all of them do. And in the second part of the stage, the screen auto scrolls the whole time, pushing you to the right.

Shield Sheldon’s stage: Not that bad, actually, this stage can be finished under a minute, providing you can figure out how to redirect a giant laser beam using mirrors to open doors. Oh, and don’t let that giant laser hit you..

Infinity Mijinion’s stage: Tricky platform jumps are bad enough. Combine these with a giant robot in the background whose mere presence obscures your vision. It also constantly shoots at you, and releases drones that shoot unavoidable lasers at you. WHEEE!!

Gate’s Laboratory: The final stage. EVERY hazard I mentioned in the last eight stages is in here at once. This stage is broken up in three segments, each of which needs for you to have a different armor to get through them. And once you finish one, you can’t leave the lab to change armors without having to replay the last stage, which you screw yourself out of finishing because you just changed your armor again. If you screw up, it is actually impossible to finish this level. Good luck.

Oh, and if that’s not enough to make you cry, any of the initial eight stages can adopt properties from the other stages, adding their hazards to its own. They call this the “Nightmare System.” A very appropriate name.

To get through these stages, you’ll need power ups. To get these power ups, you need to rescue reploids you’ll find floating over bottomless pits, or hidden in secret places. There are also enemies that hunt down and infect these reploids. If a reploid gets infected, that power up part is gone for good. If you’re not quick on the trigger, you will find that, yet again, you have just made the game impossible to beat.

And if you end up in a battle with Hi-Max, who can show up randomly at the end of the stages, and don’t have his weakness, he’s impossible to kill.

That’s far too many impossibilities for my taste.

Overall: (7/20)

This game is awful. Pure and simple. Masochists are in for a good time. I highly suggest self-flagellation while you’re playing to enhance the experience. If you have a sensitivity to games that are stupid hard, or are prone to bouts of rage, stay as far away as humanly possible. If you’re a huge Mega Man nerd, you’ll play through it anyway, just like I did.

What? Oh…hi Zero…I was just talking to my friends, and not about you! Honest! OH GOD! NOT THE BEAM SABER!! NOT AGAIN! I’M SORRY!!!!

Review: The Uniflame Deluxe Square Charcoal Grill

Review: The Uniflame Deluxe Square Charcoal Grill



For Father’s Day, we went out to find a cheap grill so we could have some delicious charred animal flesh. We found one for 35 dollars at Wal-Mart. This is our tale:



Assembly (1/5)
This thing was a bear to put together. While the general assembly was simple as hell, the whole thing started when the parts packet wasn’t accurately labeled. How the hell was I supposed to know that screw H shouldn’t be screwed into the lid? It looks just like screw Q! And the screws that are there don’t go in snugly, leaving the legs and lid a floppy mess with zero stability. Add to that the fact that most of the metal rods were warped, and you get a lot of bending bars precariously to reach their holes. What should have taken maybe ten minutes became closer to forty, thanks to the useless instructions and the parts that weren’t clearly labeled. This can be a total nightmare when there are dozens of screws of varying lengths in the packet.

Durability and/or Safety: (1/5)
The air vent handle melted. Seriously, within five minutes of lighting the damn charcoal, the plastic handle for the top air vent melted. Who the hell thought that an easily melted part should be attached to an incredibly hot surface? UNIFLAME! Thanks to the rickety parts and bendy legs, I half expect the lid to fall off its hinges when I open it, or the whole damn thing to pitch forward, dumping its red hot payload on anyone stupid enough to venture near. It has wobbled a couple of times.

Let’s examine an average family cookout: “Hey dad! Can I have another hamburger? OH MY GOD! A SHOWER OF HOT CHARCOAL DEATH! I AM THIRD DEGREE BURNED!”
It could happen to you. This grill was forged by sadistic freaks who would love nothing more than to kill you and your family.

Deliciousness (3/5)
Well? Does it cook meat? Of course it does. It’s a grill. Though the burgers were a bit overcooked, I can hardly blame the grill for that. It took almost two hours to make enough burgers and hot dogs for two adults and a toddler. But this could be the fault of the charcoal, or the fact I put too much in and it took forever to burn. But no. I blame the fucking grill. The bastard compelled me to use too much charcoal. It purposely overcooked my meat , likely to be part of some burnt offering to its twisted masters. But I stopped it. Oh yes, I stopped its plans, and the meat was still more or less yummy. SUCK ON IT UNIFLAME! I (kind of) WIN!

Overall: 5/15
Will I use you again Mr. Grill? Yes. Despite your shitty construction, you are my grill, and I will break you. We will grill many times, and you will attempt to kill me just as many times. But I will survive. And if you piss me off, I will smash you with a sledgehammer and buy a better grill. You will be an example for all the other unruly Uniflame grills out there. Once I am finally forced to destroy you, I will hang you from a light post in front of the Wal-Mart I purchased you in.

But seriously folks. Buy a better brand. Unless you like dodging flaming charcoal briquettes.

Noir reviews Transformers: War for Cybertron (For PS3)

Hello all,

Today's review will be a game review, so it's not anything too wacky. But I played it, and you're going have to read what I think of it. So there.

Yesterday, my insane fanboy hands wrenched a copy of Transformers: War for Cybertron from the cold mechanical hands of a Gamestop employee. The marketing campaign at that Gamestop is incredible! It’s as if they actually hired robots specifically to sell this game! I especially love how the lifelike store manager robot glitched out and asked me if I had played the demo three times through the course of ringing out my transaction. I am impressed.

So without further ado, the review:



Graphics: (4/5)
Graphically, the game impresses. The level of detail on everything is astounding, from the metallic surfaces, of which the entire planet is composed, to the details on each individual Transformer. The transformation effects are pretty cool. If I have any complaint, it’s that the different weapon effects are a bit underwhelming. It’s weird to see big explosive weapons unleash tiny, whimpering explosions.

Sound: (4/5)
The sound is pretty standard fare for a third person shooter. Boom, boom, bang, scream, etc. The soundtrack is pretty standard for a sci-fi game, but toe-tapping tunes that you whistle in the shower went out of style back in the days of the 16-bit system. Where the game truly shines is in the voice acting and banter between characters, most of whom insult each other back and forth in the Decepticon campaign. While it may seem a little strange to hear G1 Transformers with new voice actors, Peter Cullen, the original Optimus Prime, is still there, and the other actors are pros that do a pretty good job. I am however, a little put off by Megatron’s voice actor, James Remar. He does a good enough job, but he seems to be channeling movie Megatron more than G1. This is just a fanboy complaint, as I would have loved to heard Frank Welker, Megatron's original voice. It probably doesn't help that I'm also to used seeing James Remar as spectral Harry in the TV show Dexter.

Gameplay: (5/5)
Here’s the meat and potatoes, the one thing the game studio worked on above all else, and it really shows. This game is fluid and responsive, with every screw up you make being your own damned fault. Transformation is done with a click of the analog stick, freeing up your face buttons. And the transformation is no gimmick, but an integral part of the gameplay. For instance, I found that Starscream makes for an excellent sniper in robot mode, but the second enemies start firing back, switching to jet mode and strafing while staying mobile is by far the best option to keep him alive. And if you know how much of a coward Starscream is, you’d see how true to form he plays. And the other robots control just as appropriately. Aiming and firing is a breeze, and the action is always hectic and chaotic. Multiplayer is just as fun, but allows you to create and customize your own Transformers before jumping into battle. The options for creation are a bit limited, but are still pretty good. One small gripe is that while you’re in game, you REALLY need to watch your ammo count. After a handful of shots, you’ll find yourself on empty, leaving you to rely on up close melee against enemies that are aggressively trying to blast you to pieces. Another snag is the game’s loading times, which were brutally long, and prone to freezing up mid-load. Hopefully a patch gets put out to fix this soon. And if you happen to own this for the PS3, enjoy the twenty minute install time that you’ll be treated to before you can even play.

Overall: (13/15)
War for Cybertron is a fanboy’s dream. The license is handled with care, and while the game’s plot is nonexistent, the gameplay, the online mode customization, and the sheer amount of G1 goodness is enough to make up for all the incredibly awful Transformers games that came before this one. You owe it to yourself to pick it up immediately if you’re already a Transformers fan, and if you love shooters in general, it’s still an excellent buy. It’s not 100% perfect, but it’s the closest thing to it that fans have, and its few minor issues don’t mar the overall experience. Go buy it. I order you to. I'll just sit here until you do.


That's it. I'm no Angry Video Game Nerd, so you won't get rage out of me. At least not until I find a video game I loathe enough.

Welcome to Noir Reviews Everything!

Welcome to Noir Reviews Everything!


This is a place where a man with too much free time comes to review the experiences he's had, products he's used, things he's eaten, or about that person who pissed him off today. I'll be reviewing a wide range of things, so if you're looking for, say, strictly game reviews, you'll be disappointed.

But by now, you should come to expect disappointment in your daily life.

Keep checking back for new content!
And, if you have something you would like me to review, please feel free to drop me a line, and I'll see if I can accommodate your wacky request.