Review: The Uniflame Deluxe Square Charcoal Grill

Review: The Uniflame Deluxe Square Charcoal Grill



For Father’s Day, we went out to find a cheap grill so we could have some delicious charred animal flesh. We found one for 35 dollars at Wal-Mart. This is our tale:



Assembly (1/5)
This thing was a bear to put together. While the general assembly was simple as hell, the whole thing started when the parts packet wasn’t accurately labeled. How the hell was I supposed to know that screw H shouldn’t be screwed into the lid? It looks just like screw Q! And the screws that are there don’t go in snugly, leaving the legs and lid a floppy mess with zero stability. Add to that the fact that most of the metal rods were warped, and you get a lot of bending bars precariously to reach their holes. What should have taken maybe ten minutes became closer to forty, thanks to the useless instructions and the parts that weren’t clearly labeled. This can be a total nightmare when there are dozens of screws of varying lengths in the packet.

Durability and/or Safety: (1/5)
The air vent handle melted. Seriously, within five minutes of lighting the damn charcoal, the plastic handle for the top air vent melted. Who the hell thought that an easily melted part should be attached to an incredibly hot surface? UNIFLAME! Thanks to the rickety parts and bendy legs, I half expect the lid to fall off its hinges when I open it, or the whole damn thing to pitch forward, dumping its red hot payload on anyone stupid enough to venture near. It has wobbled a couple of times.

Let’s examine an average family cookout: “Hey dad! Can I have another hamburger? OH MY GOD! A SHOWER OF HOT CHARCOAL DEATH! I AM THIRD DEGREE BURNED!”
It could happen to you. This grill was forged by sadistic freaks who would love nothing more than to kill you and your family.

Deliciousness (3/5)
Well? Does it cook meat? Of course it does. It’s a grill. Though the burgers were a bit overcooked, I can hardly blame the grill for that. It took almost two hours to make enough burgers and hot dogs for two adults and a toddler. But this could be the fault of the charcoal, or the fact I put too much in and it took forever to burn. But no. I blame the fucking grill. The bastard compelled me to use too much charcoal. It purposely overcooked my meat , likely to be part of some burnt offering to its twisted masters. But I stopped it. Oh yes, I stopped its plans, and the meat was still more or less yummy. SUCK ON IT UNIFLAME! I (kind of) WIN!

Overall: 5/15
Will I use you again Mr. Grill? Yes. Despite your shitty construction, you are my grill, and I will break you. We will grill many times, and you will attempt to kill me just as many times. But I will survive. And if you piss me off, I will smash you with a sledgehammer and buy a better grill. You will be an example for all the other unruly Uniflame grills out there. Once I am finally forced to destroy you, I will hang you from a light post in front of the Wal-Mart I purchased you in.

But seriously folks. Buy a better brand. Unless you like dodging flaming charcoal briquettes.