Noir Reviews: A Game Based on a Book that is also a Movie.

The game under the knife today is Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: the Game

I put down my ten bucks on this game last Tuesday, and I've been hooked on it like an addict is hooked on street pharmaceuticals. This game takes me back to the good old days when games just wanted you to walk from left to right, kicking the ever-loving snot out of anybody and anything that gets in your way. The game is pretty strongly reminiscent of River City Ransom in particular, an NES game that was near and dear to my heart.

The gameplay is pretty much as I described the other beat em' ups. Walk from left to right, and kick the crap out of everything, from paparazzi to emo kids. Enemies drop coins, which can be used to buy items that restore life, or offer all sorts of boosts to your stats. You can choose one of four characters from the outset,and as you cripple fools, those characters will level up, learning new moves along the way. Everything about the game oozes old-school, right down to cheap rushes by hordes of enemies. Prepare to spend a good amount of time replaying stages to save up enough coin to improve your characters, because the ride is a bumpy one.

Now, I know a lot of reviewers have a fit about the game not having online multiplayer, or drop in drop out co-op, but I'm a lonely soul who doesn't give a whit about multiplayer, and the game definitely sees fit to punish my ass for attempting to go solo. Some levels are just absolutely infested with enemies, and you get to enjoy watching your character get bounced around like a volleyball. The game is hard. Not impossible by any means, but hard enough to frustrate a lot of people who didn't grow up playing games that hurt their feelings. The game is a throwback to a fondly remembered era, and there are even tons of references to a lot of those old games as you play.

As for the plot of the game, read the damned graphic novels, or go see the movie. I'm not a damned storyteller. All I'll say is there are 7 evil ex-boyfriends, and they all need to have their asses kicked. I was only vaguely aware of the books before I played the game, and after reading the first volume, I can say the game is a nice companion, and playing it first won't ruin your ability to enjoy the books. Go buy them. Support artists and books. Read for once.

So obviously, I love this game. I'm listening to the game's soundtrack as I type this. The soundtrack is flat-out amazing, with songs by Anamanaguchi, some artists I knew nothing about before this game came out. Needless to say, if you love old school game music, this game's soundtrack is astounding, and it really helps to make the game a winning package.

For those who like numbers, I'd rate this game as a 9/10. A point gets taken off for some mildly stiff controls, and some aggravating cheap shots, but otherwise, this is one of the best, if not the best, game I've played all year. Suck on that first person shooters and sports games. Suck on that.

Noir Reviews: Transformers Generations Autobot Drift

Good god. Look at that smug bastard. It's as if he knows his toy is good, and doesn't give a damn what you think.


I picked this guy up from Target the other day, and was kind of pleased with him. His alternate mode is a sort of race car, covered in "ancient Cybertronian symbols." I could describe it more, but I'm a lazy jerk. It is white though.

His robot mode is so very samurai that it hurts. Or ninja. I can't really tell. Look at the freaking picture, you can tell. He comes with three swords, two tiny ones and one huge ass one that is about the same height as drift himself. It is also covered in "ancient Cybertronian symbols."

Overall, the figure is nice. It seems to have a bit of trouble standing under its own power, which tends to lend itself to posing issues. The two tiny swords fit in sheaths on his sides, and his huge ass sword sits on his back when not in use. The transformation itself is clean and complex without being annoying, a rare quality to find these days.

So yes, I love this toy. But I don't like the character. Oh god, do I hate this guy. He's like a bad fanfiction character come to life. He happens to be a Decepticon that for some reason got tired of being awesome and cutting people's heads off, so he became tormented, joined the Autobots for mysterious atonement reasons, and now cuts off even more heads than before. Go Drift! And does he really need three swords? Unless he can wield them all at once, they're kinda overkill. He's not even part of the Transformers universe originally. IDW comics created him for their comics line, then quickly devoted their issues to polishing Drift's ego every chance they got. I've seen this guy in so many anime and manga already, he doesn't even have the common shtick of being kind of a pansy or goofball once he switched sides.

You hear that Drift? even Kenshin is better than you. And I hate Kenshin. I will enjoy your toy, but you sir, are dead to me.

And I'm pretty sure that your "ancient Cybertronian symbols" are Japanese. Way to be a weeaboo.

Noir reviews the spawn of Satan. Um..I mean Singamajig

Gaze. Gaze upon the face of horror. Those faces belong to the Singamajig, the newest resident in the world of toys that will rise up and kill you while you're sleeping. And they'll be belting out tunes while they do it.

My daughter received one of these for her birthday, and words cannot describe the horror I felt upon messing with it for a minute or two. She happened to get the yellow one, which has easy to remove clothing for some reason, and the eeriest red eyes I've ever seen on a toy.

When you push the stomach, the horrid little beast emits a sound that may or may not sound like singing. It's hard to tell, because it's raspy little voice is reminiscent of a chain-smoking toddler. You push its hand, and it emits a different range of gibberish noises, which are probably some words spoken in demonic tongue. The possessed red eyes attest to that. Another push of the hand causes it to sing "Home on the Range." Well, kind of. It'll belt out one syllable every time you push the stomach, making the whole thing sound disjointed and eerie, as if it were sung by an old school animatronic pizza place animal.

Did I mention the thing this thing has teeth? No? well it does. an upper set and a lower set, both made of either hard plastic or possibly fiendish cartilage. When you push its stomach to hear it belt out another curse to its lord and master Baphomet, its mouth opens into an O shape, and you see its two little sets of teeth. This is entirely uncalled for, and only helps ramp up my belief that these things are out to kill your children.

So beware, parents. If one of these enters your home, immediately throw it in the garbage disposal while simultaneously pouring holy water down the drain. This will only serve to anger it, but you may be able to trap it in the disposal long enough to get to the occult bookstore and find a way to properly kill it. Otherwise, you, your family, and the world are in peril. And if you get home, and hear that sound of a raspy toddler singing public domain songs, for the love of god keep your back to the wall and don't walk near any place it can hide under.

You have been warned.