Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Noir Reviews Minute Maid Premium Cherry Limeade Drink With Other Natural Flavors
OHMYGOD!!! ITS LIKE DRINKING BATTERY ACID!!! WHY DOES IT BURN???!!!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Noir finally reviews the KFC Double Down.
This time, I forgo any attempts at assigning a score. My brilliance is far above arbitrary numbers. At least, unless people like numbers. Then I may make concessions so that your brains can be told how much I like or hate something using easy to digest digits.
Oh how dare they. How dare KFC decide that their sandwich is too good for a bun. How dare they saddle the consumer with an unholy concoction that will surely only serve to further fatten and kill them? The audacity! Damn you KFC, damn you and your machinations. If it wasn't so delicious, and if I gave a crap about any of that other stuff, I may have choice words for our good friend the Colonel.
So for those of you who live under a rock, the Double Down is two hunks of fried chicken, with bacon, cheese, and special sauce between them. It baffles my mind that anybody would order this thing, and write up a review about how the damned thing doesn't have a bun. That's just people looking for a reason to whine about something. And that makes me hate them.
And is it delicious? Yes it is. It's also expensive as hell. Mine cost me over almost six bucks, which is more than some of their value meals. So if there is a downside, it might be the cost. Some might argue that the nutritional value is another giant downside. But I call them weak.
Seriously, why complain about how the fast food sandwich has enough sodium to kill you outright? It's no mystery that fast food is pretty much lethal. You don't go there because it's good for you. You go there because it's food. Served fast. Hence, fast food. Don't be that guy who orders six cheeseburgers, then orders a Diet Coke because you're "watching your weight." Nobody's buying it. You are full of delusions my friend. Hell, some fast food salads are worse for you than this thing. Shut up.
So, it costs a fortune, and it's pretty much lethal. But is it delicious?
Yes.
I admit I don't know what the secret sauce tastes like, as mine was suspiciously without the secret concoction. It was also searing hot, spitting its flesh scorching juices at me with every bite. That's right, this sandwich is already at the height of audacity with its refusal to wear a bun, it also attempts to sear your tender flesh. How can you not like that?
Maybe I'll grab another one and try again, when I don't need to take out a home loan to afford it. But for the time being, I was impressed. And maybe that's the way it should remain. Like, forever frozen in delicious time. A memory of goodness that can never be revisited again, or I face tarnishing that memory.
So yes, I like it. Take your bunless meat prejudice and shove it.
Oh how dare they. How dare KFC decide that their sandwich is too good for a bun. How dare they saddle the consumer with an unholy concoction that will surely only serve to further fatten and kill them? The audacity! Damn you KFC, damn you and your machinations. If it wasn't so delicious, and if I gave a crap about any of that other stuff, I may have choice words for our good friend the Colonel.
So for those of you who live under a rock, the Double Down is two hunks of fried chicken, with bacon, cheese, and special sauce between them. It baffles my mind that anybody would order this thing, and write up a review about how the damned thing doesn't have a bun. That's just people looking for a reason to whine about something. And that makes me hate them.
And is it delicious? Yes it is. It's also expensive as hell. Mine cost me over almost six bucks, which is more than some of their value meals. So if there is a downside, it might be the cost. Some might argue that the nutritional value is another giant downside. But I call them weak.
Seriously, why complain about how the fast food sandwich has enough sodium to kill you outright? It's no mystery that fast food is pretty much lethal. You don't go there because it's good for you. You go there because it's food. Served fast. Hence, fast food. Don't be that guy who orders six cheeseburgers, then orders a Diet Coke because you're "watching your weight." Nobody's buying it. You are full of delusions my friend. Hell, some fast food salads are worse for you than this thing. Shut up.
So, it costs a fortune, and it's pretty much lethal. But is it delicious?
Yes.
I admit I don't know what the secret sauce tastes like, as mine was suspiciously without the secret concoction. It was also searing hot, spitting its flesh scorching juices at me with every bite. That's right, this sandwich is already at the height of audacity with its refusal to wear a bun, it also attempts to sear your tender flesh. How can you not like that?
Maybe I'll grab another one and try again, when I don't need to take out a home loan to afford it. But for the time being, I was impressed. And maybe that's the way it should remain. Like, forever frozen in delicious time. A memory of goodness that can never be revisited again, or I face tarnishing that memory.
So yes, I like it. Take your bunless meat prejudice and shove it.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Noir Attempts a Second Grilling.
So yes, you've read how the Uniflame grill is an unholy beast. Well, I tried it again a couple of days ago, and it grilled just fine. Though this was only after my daughter touched it and got burnt. I believe it truly does desire the flesh of the innocent to function. This is fine, because tomorrow is another grilling day, and I've got a freshly chopped up neighborhood kid to feed to it.
See? we can get along. I desire grilled meat, you desire human flesh. We'll meet each other's demands and have no problems. Burn my daughter again, and I will take a sledgehammer to you.
See? we can get along. I desire grilled meat, you desire human flesh. We'll meet each other's demands and have no problems. Burn my daughter again, and I will take a sledgehammer to you.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Noir Reviews fireworks in Hudson
Noir Reviews Fireworks in Hudson
So, like every super patriotic red-blooded American, we went out to gawk at fireworks on July 2nd. This is because only terrorists actually go out to watch them on the 4th. Or was it the other way around? Or maybe terrorists are the ones setting off the displays. Or maybe they’re the ones walking around selling sparkling LED Uncle Sam hats and faux lightsabers in an effort to drain Americans of their precious monies. Well, Mr. Terror Man, we don’t need your help throwing away our money. That just happens to be an area we already excel in. Anyway, ON TO THE REVIEW!
Location: (5/5)
The spot we ended up at was just outside of a company’s parking lot. The location was prime for firework viewing, with lots and lots of grass available for sitting. There was enough space so that everyone could be spread out, and for an antisocial hatemonger like myself, that can be a dream. I will watch my explosive money wasting display in peace, thank you very much.
Human Tolerance Factor: (1/5)
Oh my god. The people at this thing were so damned obnoxious and stupid that it baffles the mind. I mentioned that there was plenty of room, which was true. So why, pray tell, did we need kids playing football right next to our picnic blanket? There was SOOO much space to play around there without these two morons disrupting our personal space and trying to tackle each other only inches from our sitting space. There was also a guy standing around with a Nerf football posing like an idiot in front of his girlfriend’s camera, which isn’t so much annoying as it is sad.
Also, STOP TAKING YOUR PETS TO THESE THINGS! I don’t get why you’d take your easily spooked dog to a display where giant loud bright things rock the sky. And I don’t recall any of the pet owners I saw wielding bags to clean up their precious poochie’s steaming shits. The place isn’t a bathroom, it’s private property. Leave our damned pets at home. No matter what you think, Fido doesn’t give a damn about our country’s independence. He doesn’t need to be there to celebrate it.
And free glowsticks are nice…I guess, but the attached advertisements for kids Christian Church are a bit subversive. If they actually did a competent job of glowing, I might have been grateful. I hope the glowsticks weren’t supposed to represent God’s light or anything, because they were very dim indeed. (Funny side note, I was told that they represented as much when I went to one of these things as a kid. God’s light was worn as a necklace, and was much brighter that year. What happened?)
Also, a special shout out to Hershey’s of Hudson. Way to ignore me while I stood in front of your stand to buy popcorn. I was the only person there when I arrived, and as soon as I stepped up to buy something, you ignored me and helped the people that arrived behind me. Not just once, mind you, but three times. I don’t know what your damned problem was, but I loathe you. Way to be professional.
Fireworks! (3/5)
The main event. The thing we came to see. And they were pretty meh. Small town fireworks aren’t the most impressive things you’ll ever see, but these were kinda phoned in this year. Lots of cities are cutting back on fireworks though, thanks to the crappy economy. The show started an hour later than projected, and the grand finale was pretty weak. That’s all. It’s a shame I couldn’t tell what half of the shaped fireworks were supposed to be.
Total: (9/15)
So there you have it. If there was an upside, it was being able to spend time with my family. This was my daughter’s first fireworks display, and she was enthralled. (Well, at least to the level a two year old’s attention span will allow. You can’t really put a score to quality time with your family, unless they’re a bunch of assholes. The family aspect was awesome. As for the rest….well the city of Hudson can go to hell. At least until we inevitably wind up there again next year. Oh, you clever terrorists, making it convenient enough for us to return next year. But I still won’t buy your glowing expensive crap. So your victory is bittersweet at best.
So, like every super patriotic red-blooded American, we went out to gawk at fireworks on July 2nd. This is because only terrorists actually go out to watch them on the 4th. Or was it the other way around? Or maybe terrorists are the ones setting off the displays. Or maybe they’re the ones walking around selling sparkling LED Uncle Sam hats and faux lightsabers in an effort to drain Americans of their precious monies. Well, Mr. Terror Man, we don’t need your help throwing away our money. That just happens to be an area we already excel in. Anyway, ON TO THE REVIEW!
Location: (5/5)
The spot we ended up at was just outside of a company’s parking lot. The location was prime for firework viewing, with lots and lots of grass available for sitting. There was enough space so that everyone could be spread out, and for an antisocial hatemonger like myself, that can be a dream. I will watch my explosive money wasting display in peace, thank you very much.
Human Tolerance Factor: (1/5)
Oh my god. The people at this thing were so damned obnoxious and stupid that it baffles the mind. I mentioned that there was plenty of room, which was true. So why, pray tell, did we need kids playing football right next to our picnic blanket? There was SOOO much space to play around there without these two morons disrupting our personal space and trying to tackle each other only inches from our sitting space. There was also a guy standing around with a Nerf football posing like an idiot in front of his girlfriend’s camera, which isn’t so much annoying as it is sad.
Also, STOP TAKING YOUR PETS TO THESE THINGS! I don’t get why you’d take your easily spooked dog to a display where giant loud bright things rock the sky. And I don’t recall any of the pet owners I saw wielding bags to clean up their precious poochie’s steaming shits. The place isn’t a bathroom, it’s private property. Leave our damned pets at home. No matter what you think, Fido doesn’t give a damn about our country’s independence. He doesn’t need to be there to celebrate it.
And free glowsticks are nice…I guess, but the attached advertisements for kids Christian Church are a bit subversive. If they actually did a competent job of glowing, I might have been grateful. I hope the glowsticks weren’t supposed to represent God’s light or anything, because they were very dim indeed. (Funny side note, I was told that they represented as much when I went to one of these things as a kid. God’s light was worn as a necklace, and was much brighter that year. What happened?)
Also, a special shout out to Hershey’s of Hudson. Way to ignore me while I stood in front of your stand to buy popcorn. I was the only person there when I arrived, and as soon as I stepped up to buy something, you ignored me and helped the people that arrived behind me. Not just once, mind you, but three times. I don’t know what your damned problem was, but I loathe you. Way to be professional.
Fireworks! (3/5)
The main event. The thing we came to see. And they were pretty meh. Small town fireworks aren’t the most impressive things you’ll ever see, but these were kinda phoned in this year. Lots of cities are cutting back on fireworks though, thanks to the crappy economy. The show started an hour later than projected, and the grand finale was pretty weak. That’s all. It’s a shame I couldn’t tell what half of the shaped fireworks were supposed to be.
Total: (9/15)
So there you have it. If there was an upside, it was being able to spend time with my family. This was my daughter’s first fireworks display, and she was enthralled. (Well, at least to the level a two year old’s attention span will allow. You can’t really put a score to quality time with your family, unless they’re a bunch of assholes. The family aspect was awesome. As for the rest….well the city of Hudson can go to hell. At least until we inevitably wind up there again next year. Oh, you clever terrorists, making it convenient enough for us to return next year. But I still won’t buy your glowing expensive crap. So your victory is bittersweet at best.
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