Wow.
I'm not going to score this game. It's fantastic. It's fun, and it's just damned good in general.
That being said, the ending was kind of a WTF, to put it mildly.
I'm not going to spoil it for you, but I will say that it just sort of comes out and says "yeah, we just did that. Deal." And ends the game. So we get a red herring or two, a climactic conclusion, then a bait and switch, a kind of easy and lame boss battle, and then...the ending.
That being said, GETTING to the last battle is tougher than the final boss. Do you like snipers? I hope so because that particular city block has no less than ten of them. It's terrible.
That's all I've got. If you want something more in depth, I'll come back when the game has been out long enough to not spoil crap.
WTF.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Noir Reviews: Transformers Dark of the Moon
Yes, this is incredibly late. I don't give a crap.
So we traded 40 minutes of Megan Fox running through the desert for 40 minutes of some dippy lingerie model falling through a building.
Die in a fire Michael Bay. Give the franchise to someone who can handle it.
FAIL.
So we traded 40 minutes of Megan Fox running through the desert for 40 minutes of some dippy lingerie model falling through a building.
Die in a fire Michael Bay. Give the franchise to someone who can handle it.
FAIL.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Games Noir Loves!
Yes, I hate a lot of games. But sometimes I can allow myself to enjoy a couple of them. So, because not everything has to be so negative around here, I present:
GAMES NOIR LOVES!
And they're in no particular order, because I refuse to make it easy on you people.
1.)Mega Man 3 (NES)
Oh my god Mega Man 3. The third Mega Man in the series, and the first of them I actually played. Yes, we’ll ignore the fact that every game after the second plays pretty much the same, but 3 added something that was integral to survival. THE SLIDE! That’s right, by tapping down and B, The Blue Bomber would slide right underneath obstacles, enemies, IRS auditors, you name it. It fills me with rage that the ability to slide magically went away in Mega Man 9, and continued to stay gone in 10.
The game introduced the Doc Robots, which were skeletal robots that had the data of Robot Masters from Mega Man 2 downloaded into them. You’d beat the first eight Robot Masters, only to have four of their stages re-open, only this time their layouts are way more difficult, and there’s a fight with two Doc Robots per stage.
I guess I should mention that the game also introduced Rush, the Blue Bomber’s faithful dog. But I don’t like Rush, and he only gets more useless with each game. Rush Marine is fucking awesome, and this is the only game you’ll see it. Also, Proto man first shows up here. Is he friend? Is he foe? (Protip: He’s a friend.)
All the new gameplay tweaks made the series more fun than ever. The music was amazing, the stages were weird and unique, the weapons you gained from the masters were neat, (except for Top Spin. That one sucked so much.) and the addition of that slide allowed designers to create new paths and tricks. But that same slide was also given to Shadow Man, which makes him a cheap asshole. And he’s weak to Top Spin too, making him a doubly annoying prick.
2.)Rocket Knight Adventures (Genesis)
The main character is an Opossum. With a jetpack. That’s reason enough to love this game. If it wasn’t, we could throw in the unique gameplay, awesome soundtrack, bright and sharp graphics, and unique and tricky stages that are just tough enough to make you rage at the TV, but not enough to cause you to kill a man.
Rocket Knight was crafted by Konami, the company that brought us a tiny little franchise called CASTLEVANIA. Perhaps you’ve heard of them? Rocket Knight was a sidescroller that had the standard platform jumping, but also had flying shoot em’ up stages, and giant mecha battles. This game was epic. There may have been a plot tossed in there, something about pigs trying to kill everyone with a giant space station, but that took a back seat to the OPOSSUM WITH A SWORD.
The only bad point this game had was the sudden insane ramp in difficulty. After you got through the first two stages, the game stops holding your hand and starts kicking your ass. The mechanics are simple enough, but you’re constantly tested with new ways to utilize them to keep yourself from getting killed. And that is a sign that Konami knew what the hell it was doing. There were also three sequels made. Sparkster for the Genesis and SNES, which were both solid but a bit inferior to the original, and Rocket Knight for the PS3 and 360, which sucked.
3.)Ducktales (NES)
Yes Capcom did a couple of Disney games on the NES. And they were awesome as hell. I didn’t know Scrooge McDuck could kill people with his cane by pogoing off of their skulls until I played this.
Just like Megaman, you can select the order you visit the stages. Each one is set in a different part of the world, and one of them takes place on the moon! How awesome is that?
Capcom games typically have flawless play control and rockin’ 8 bit tunes, and Ducktales is no exception.
And I will never, ever, forget the Moon theme, which ranks up there as one of my favorite game tunes EVAR. Listen for yourself!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_80PQ543rM
4.)Breath of Fire 2 (SNES)
What can I say about this game? This is the game that forced me to dive into the world of RPGs, and I’ve never looked back since.
Breath of Fire 2 is the story of a child named Ryu. He’s got a bit of a problem. He takes a nap in a valley with a creepy dragon skull thing, and wakes up to find that none of the people in his home town knows who the hell he is. Suddenly out on his own, with no idea what the hell happened, he becomes a scrappy orphan, who eventually becomes a scrappy man with a taste for adventure. Oh, and he’s also secretly a dragon in human form. Can’t forget that.
The game had a cast of memorable characters, a plot that eventually made sense, beautiful visuals, and was hard as balls. I’ve played a lot of RPGs since this one, and I can still say this game is among the hardest. You’ll very often go through long dungeon slogs with limited healing items, sparse save points, and insanely hard enemies and bosses. It’s awesome that each of your party members gets a unique quest or two to flesh them out, but you’d damn well better make sure you’re leveling ALL of them, because those quests aren’t optional, and you WILL wind up at the game over screen in a hurry.
But that being said, the journey was a worthy one. The series continued on with 3 and 4, two games that carry on its legacy of being great but incredibly hard. 3 gets special note for its Desert of Death, which I could write an entire Noir Review on, because it makes me want to scream just thinking about it. (Watch for the review, coming soon!)
5.)Shin Megami Tensei 3: Nocturne (PS2)
Yes, everyone is in love with Persona now, and will feverishly lap at any crumbs Atlus throws their way. But Nocturne is the one you should thank for bringing the Shin Megami Tensei series into this generation’s eye. I’m not ragging on Persona games, because they were awesome, but Nocturne is what started me on a strange journey into the world of Shin Megami Tensei.
To put it mildy, Nocturne is like a demonic Digimon. You can talk to demons, and convince them to join your party, and you can fuse them together to create more powerful demons. Demons demons demons. There are lots of demons in this game. The game plays out more or less like a traditional RPG, but EVERYTHING banks on weaknesses and resistances. Hit a bosses’ weakness? You get extra turns to keep kicking his ass. Hit a resistance? Well you lose the rest of your turn, and the boss kicks your ass. Hell, random enemies will kill you dead if you don’t have defense against insta-kill spells. It’s tough but fair, and you’ll start to feel like a god once you figure out how everything works.
I’d comment on the plot, but there really isn’t one. World ends, main character needs to fight to resurrect the world. Of course, there are around six different endings, based on decisions you make in the game, giving it a lot of replay value.
And for those who want to get technical, I am well aware that Persona 2: Eternal Punishment came out in America way before Nocturne, but it was virtually unknown on the Playstation, and didn’t generate a lot of buzz. Nocturne hit PS2, and sold well enough to flood the market with demon summoning joy ever since.
And the funny thing is, now fans are screaming for a re-release of Persona 2.
6.)Illbleed (Dreamcast)
Describing why this game is great is impossible. It’s stupid as hell, cheap, overly difficult, gives you no direction on how to play it, and controls like a segway through wet cement. But that being said, it’s brilliant.
I’m going to have to do a review of this one to get into it’s meaty core. Imagine if someone gave you a set of magic binoculars , and sent you through a haunted house. Traps, monsters, and other weird stuff can come out of nowhere, but you can see the places they MAY jump out at you through the binoculars. Every time you look through them, you get weaker and more fatigued. There. There’s the basic gameplay.
This place is definitely evil, but there’s still a campy theme park vibe. And it makes the setting wacky and unforgettable. And some of that stuff will never EVER leave my mind. And that is why I love it.
Here’s a couple of clips from the game that just help point out how fucking weird it is:
HELL CAKE!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDq2pE4xG6Y
HAPPY WOODSMAN!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbthBruDAzk&feature=related
RAAAACHELLL!.: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUCOfrSOVuY
7.) Mega Man X (SNES)
Yes, it’s another Mega Man game. Sue me.
But this was the first game in an all-new series. Gone were the cutesy robot masters, gone were the colorful cotton candy days of Mega Man game past. We now jump ahead a hundred years into the future, where horrible viruses cause robots (reploids) to rebel against their human creators. And their leader Sigma won’t settle for anything less than total human extinction.
Enter X. X is not Mega Man. Sure he’s blue, and can copy weapons from dead robots, but that’s where the character similarities end. X is a conflicted killing machine with the power to melt nations on a whim. And his buddy Zero is a nigh unkillable sword swinging badass.
The game itself added all sorts of new gameplay mechanics. Such as weapons with alternate charge modes, animal themed bosses, armor pickups that increased X’s abilities and gave him powers like the ability to dash, radar that provided stage maps and item locations, and even the ability to fly in later games in the series.
This was the first 16-bit title in the series, and the results were astounding. For a longtime Mega Man fan, this was a worthy and, dare I say it, SUPERIOR incarnation of the Mega Man franchise.
And it paved the way for the Zero and ZX series, which are based on the X series, and are equally awesome.
8.)Contra: Hard Corps (Genesis)
Whoo boy. Lots of people have played Contra back on the NES, but how many of them have played Contra: Hard Corps?
It’s a typical run and gun platform game, where death awaits you at every step. Like a lot of games on this list, Hard Corps is a nightmare to beat. I’d love to say that I just have a fondness for hard games, but the truth is that A LOT of games from back in the 8 and 16 bit eras were tough as nails.
What sets this apart from the previous Contras is the variety of play. There are branching paths so often, which lead to some crazy ass levels and bosses, and even hidden endings. Did I mention that the bosses are crazy? Hell yeah. They’re all huge, fill the screen with white hot death, and are determined to kill you. Just look at the pic! That big blue robot had to run after the train you’re riding on, just to kick your skull in. That’s determination.
It’s impossible to see everything this game has in one sitting. Toss in multiple characters each with unique weapons, and this one’s pure gold. Except for the jungle level. I would deforest the entire planet just to see this stage purged from existence.
9.) Silent Hill (PSX)
Ah..Silent Hill. I have fond memories of playing you back in a dank, terrifying dormitory, where my roommate and I dwelled in the basement “Honor Floor.” It left us afraid to walk down those hallways for weeks. Why, because Silent Hill is utterly terrifying.
I’m not going to hash out the whole plot here, but all you need to know is that you’re an every man looking for your missing daughter in a tow that is low on people, and high on monsters, fog, and weird crap.
And that’s what set this game apart. A lot of people compared it to Resident Evil, and bemoaned its lack of heavy artillery. But you’re not supposed to fight here. Your character isn’t a skilled soldier or supercop, he’s a writer and a nerd. His aim is shoddy at best, and with the limited amount of ammo, you’re going to have to resort to beating enemies with a lead pipe. It’s hard to be scared when you’ve got a rocket launcher, so I can’t be afraid of Resident Evil.
And a lot of that fear comes from the atmosphere, camera placement, music, and general mindgames that comes up in every area. Locales vary from places like abandoned schools, hospitals, churches, and the town itself, which is covered in thick fog, and no living soul is found anywhere, with a couple of notable exceptions. Fear is isolation,.
And the enemies? Holy crap. No zombies in this game! Oh no. In the first couple of minutes of gameplay, Harry gets gang stabbed by knife wielding children! From then on, it’s unmentionable horrors that have come to steal your shaking, terrified soul. And as the series progressed…..
We got Pyramid Head. And you KNOW how iconic he is.
10.) Jet Set Radio (Dreamcast)
Another hit from the Dreamcast, Jet Set Radio was a fiesta of spray-painting roller-blading fun. The control was fluid as hell, making you feel like king of the streets every time you pick up the controller. The main gimmick of the game is that you can grind on pretty much EVERY surface in the game, allowing you to tool around the city with impunity. Telephone poles, billboards, wires, buses, there’s no limit to the crazy stuff you can trick off of in this game. Oh yeah, you can also tag stuff with spray paint, and even create your own custom tags. The soundtrack was also awesome, but also weird as hell at times.
This was also the first game to use the Cel-Shading animation style, which millions of games abused afterwards.
There’s a plot, sure, something about futuristic Tokyo being in a horrid police state where rollerblading gangs are actively hunted by the authorities. This means little, but is noteworthy because the cops will employ everything from tear gas to tanks and helicopters to put an end to your free-wheeling wall-tagging days. And that over the top nonsense is exactly what makes this game awesome.
GAMES NOIR LOVES!
And they're in no particular order, because I refuse to make it easy on you people.
1.)Mega Man 3 (NES)
Oh my god Mega Man 3. The third Mega Man in the series, and the first of them I actually played. Yes, we’ll ignore the fact that every game after the second plays pretty much the same, but 3 added something that was integral to survival. THE SLIDE! That’s right, by tapping down and B, The Blue Bomber would slide right underneath obstacles, enemies, IRS auditors, you name it. It fills me with rage that the ability to slide magically went away in Mega Man 9, and continued to stay gone in 10.
The game introduced the Doc Robots, which were skeletal robots that had the data of Robot Masters from Mega Man 2 downloaded into them. You’d beat the first eight Robot Masters, only to have four of their stages re-open, only this time their layouts are way more difficult, and there’s a fight with two Doc Robots per stage.
I guess I should mention that the game also introduced Rush, the Blue Bomber’s faithful dog. But I don’t like Rush, and he only gets more useless with each game. Rush Marine is fucking awesome, and this is the only game you’ll see it. Also, Proto man first shows up here. Is he friend? Is he foe? (Protip: He’s a friend.)
All the new gameplay tweaks made the series more fun than ever. The music was amazing, the stages were weird and unique, the weapons you gained from the masters were neat, (except for Top Spin. That one sucked so much.) and the addition of that slide allowed designers to create new paths and tricks. But that same slide was also given to Shadow Man, which makes him a cheap asshole. And he’s weak to Top Spin too, making him a doubly annoying prick.
2.)Rocket Knight Adventures (Genesis)
The main character is an Opossum. With a jetpack. That’s reason enough to love this game. If it wasn’t, we could throw in the unique gameplay, awesome soundtrack, bright and sharp graphics, and unique and tricky stages that are just tough enough to make you rage at the TV, but not enough to cause you to kill a man.
Rocket Knight was crafted by Konami, the company that brought us a tiny little franchise called CASTLEVANIA. Perhaps you’ve heard of them? Rocket Knight was a sidescroller that had the standard platform jumping, but also had flying shoot em’ up stages, and giant mecha battles. This game was epic. There may have been a plot tossed in there, something about pigs trying to kill everyone with a giant space station, but that took a back seat to the OPOSSUM WITH A SWORD.
The only bad point this game had was the sudden insane ramp in difficulty. After you got through the first two stages, the game stops holding your hand and starts kicking your ass. The mechanics are simple enough, but you’re constantly tested with new ways to utilize them to keep yourself from getting killed. And that is a sign that Konami knew what the hell it was doing. There were also three sequels made. Sparkster for the Genesis and SNES, which were both solid but a bit inferior to the original, and Rocket Knight for the PS3 and 360, which sucked.
3.)Ducktales (NES)
Yes Capcom did a couple of Disney games on the NES. And they were awesome as hell. I didn’t know Scrooge McDuck could kill people with his cane by pogoing off of their skulls until I played this.
Just like Megaman, you can select the order you visit the stages. Each one is set in a different part of the world, and one of them takes place on the moon! How awesome is that?
Capcom games typically have flawless play control and rockin’ 8 bit tunes, and Ducktales is no exception.
And I will never, ever, forget the Moon theme, which ranks up there as one of my favorite game tunes EVAR. Listen for yourself!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_80PQ543rM
4.)Breath of Fire 2 (SNES)
What can I say about this game? This is the game that forced me to dive into the world of RPGs, and I’ve never looked back since.
Breath of Fire 2 is the story of a child named Ryu. He’s got a bit of a problem. He takes a nap in a valley with a creepy dragon skull thing, and wakes up to find that none of the people in his home town knows who the hell he is. Suddenly out on his own, with no idea what the hell happened, he becomes a scrappy orphan, who eventually becomes a scrappy man with a taste for adventure. Oh, and he’s also secretly a dragon in human form. Can’t forget that.
The game had a cast of memorable characters, a plot that eventually made sense, beautiful visuals, and was hard as balls. I’ve played a lot of RPGs since this one, and I can still say this game is among the hardest. You’ll very often go through long dungeon slogs with limited healing items, sparse save points, and insanely hard enemies and bosses. It’s awesome that each of your party members gets a unique quest or two to flesh them out, but you’d damn well better make sure you’re leveling ALL of them, because those quests aren’t optional, and you WILL wind up at the game over screen in a hurry.
But that being said, the journey was a worthy one. The series continued on with 3 and 4, two games that carry on its legacy of being great but incredibly hard. 3 gets special note for its Desert of Death, which I could write an entire Noir Review on, because it makes me want to scream just thinking about it. (Watch for the review, coming soon!)
5.)Shin Megami Tensei 3: Nocturne (PS2)
Yes, everyone is in love with Persona now, and will feverishly lap at any crumbs Atlus throws their way. But Nocturne is the one you should thank for bringing the Shin Megami Tensei series into this generation’s eye. I’m not ragging on Persona games, because they were awesome, but Nocturne is what started me on a strange journey into the world of Shin Megami Tensei.
To put it mildy, Nocturne is like a demonic Digimon. You can talk to demons, and convince them to join your party, and you can fuse them together to create more powerful demons. Demons demons demons. There are lots of demons in this game. The game plays out more or less like a traditional RPG, but EVERYTHING banks on weaknesses and resistances. Hit a bosses’ weakness? You get extra turns to keep kicking his ass. Hit a resistance? Well you lose the rest of your turn, and the boss kicks your ass. Hell, random enemies will kill you dead if you don’t have defense against insta-kill spells. It’s tough but fair, and you’ll start to feel like a god once you figure out how everything works.
I’d comment on the plot, but there really isn’t one. World ends, main character needs to fight to resurrect the world. Of course, there are around six different endings, based on decisions you make in the game, giving it a lot of replay value.
And for those who want to get technical, I am well aware that Persona 2: Eternal Punishment came out in America way before Nocturne, but it was virtually unknown on the Playstation, and didn’t generate a lot of buzz. Nocturne hit PS2, and sold well enough to flood the market with demon summoning joy ever since.
And the funny thing is, now fans are screaming for a re-release of Persona 2.
6.)Illbleed (Dreamcast)
Describing why this game is great is impossible. It’s stupid as hell, cheap, overly difficult, gives you no direction on how to play it, and controls like a segway through wet cement. But that being said, it’s brilliant.
I’m going to have to do a review of this one to get into it’s meaty core. Imagine if someone gave you a set of magic binoculars , and sent you through a haunted house. Traps, monsters, and other weird stuff can come out of nowhere, but you can see the places they MAY jump out at you through the binoculars. Every time you look through them, you get weaker and more fatigued. There. There’s the basic gameplay.
This place is definitely evil, but there’s still a campy theme park vibe. And it makes the setting wacky and unforgettable. And some of that stuff will never EVER leave my mind. And that is why I love it.
Here’s a couple of clips from the game that just help point out how fucking weird it is:
HELL CAKE!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDq2pE4xG6Y
HAPPY WOODSMAN!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbthBruDAzk&feature=related
RAAAACHELLL!.: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUCOfrSOVuY
7.) Mega Man X (SNES)
Yes, it’s another Mega Man game. Sue me.
But this was the first game in an all-new series. Gone were the cutesy robot masters, gone were the colorful cotton candy days of Mega Man game past. We now jump ahead a hundred years into the future, where horrible viruses cause robots (reploids) to rebel against their human creators. And their leader Sigma won’t settle for anything less than total human extinction.
Enter X. X is not Mega Man. Sure he’s blue, and can copy weapons from dead robots, but that’s where the character similarities end. X is a conflicted killing machine with the power to melt nations on a whim. And his buddy Zero is a nigh unkillable sword swinging badass.
The game itself added all sorts of new gameplay mechanics. Such as weapons with alternate charge modes, animal themed bosses, armor pickups that increased X’s abilities and gave him powers like the ability to dash, radar that provided stage maps and item locations, and even the ability to fly in later games in the series.
This was the first 16-bit title in the series, and the results were astounding. For a longtime Mega Man fan, this was a worthy and, dare I say it, SUPERIOR incarnation of the Mega Man franchise.
And it paved the way for the Zero and ZX series, which are based on the X series, and are equally awesome.
8.)Contra: Hard Corps (Genesis)
Whoo boy. Lots of people have played Contra back on the NES, but how many of them have played Contra: Hard Corps?
It’s a typical run and gun platform game, where death awaits you at every step. Like a lot of games on this list, Hard Corps is a nightmare to beat. I’d love to say that I just have a fondness for hard games, but the truth is that A LOT of games from back in the 8 and 16 bit eras were tough as nails.
What sets this apart from the previous Contras is the variety of play. There are branching paths so often, which lead to some crazy ass levels and bosses, and even hidden endings. Did I mention that the bosses are crazy? Hell yeah. They’re all huge, fill the screen with white hot death, and are determined to kill you. Just look at the pic! That big blue robot had to run after the train you’re riding on, just to kick your skull in. That’s determination.
It’s impossible to see everything this game has in one sitting. Toss in multiple characters each with unique weapons, and this one’s pure gold. Except for the jungle level. I would deforest the entire planet just to see this stage purged from existence.
9.) Silent Hill (PSX)
Ah..Silent Hill. I have fond memories of playing you back in a dank, terrifying dormitory, where my roommate and I dwelled in the basement “Honor Floor.” It left us afraid to walk down those hallways for weeks. Why, because Silent Hill is utterly terrifying.
I’m not going to hash out the whole plot here, but all you need to know is that you’re an every man looking for your missing daughter in a tow that is low on people, and high on monsters, fog, and weird crap.
And that’s what set this game apart. A lot of people compared it to Resident Evil, and bemoaned its lack of heavy artillery. But you’re not supposed to fight here. Your character isn’t a skilled soldier or supercop, he’s a writer and a nerd. His aim is shoddy at best, and with the limited amount of ammo, you’re going to have to resort to beating enemies with a lead pipe. It’s hard to be scared when you’ve got a rocket launcher, so I can’t be afraid of Resident Evil.
And a lot of that fear comes from the atmosphere, camera placement, music, and general mindgames that comes up in every area. Locales vary from places like abandoned schools, hospitals, churches, and the town itself, which is covered in thick fog, and no living soul is found anywhere, with a couple of notable exceptions. Fear is isolation,.
And the enemies? Holy crap. No zombies in this game! Oh no. In the first couple of minutes of gameplay, Harry gets gang stabbed by knife wielding children! From then on, it’s unmentionable horrors that have come to steal your shaking, terrified soul. And as the series progressed…..
We got Pyramid Head. And you KNOW how iconic he is.
10.) Jet Set Radio (Dreamcast)
Another hit from the Dreamcast, Jet Set Radio was a fiesta of spray-painting roller-blading fun. The control was fluid as hell, making you feel like king of the streets every time you pick up the controller. The main gimmick of the game is that you can grind on pretty much EVERY surface in the game, allowing you to tool around the city with impunity. Telephone poles, billboards, wires, buses, there’s no limit to the crazy stuff you can trick off of in this game. Oh yeah, you can also tag stuff with spray paint, and even create your own custom tags. The soundtrack was also awesome, but also weird as hell at times.
This was also the first game to use the Cel-Shading animation style, which millions of games abused afterwards.
There’s a plot, sure, something about futuristic Tokyo being in a horrid police state where rollerblading gangs are actively hunted by the authorities. This means little, but is noteworthy because the cops will employ everything from tear gas to tanks and helicopters to put an end to your free-wheeling wall-tagging days. And that over the top nonsense is exactly what makes this game awesome.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Holy Crap! Another Pie Review!
Ok. I tried the apple pie. In an earlier review, I claimed that the berry pie tasted like vomit? Well the apple pie doesn't taste like vomit. It also doesn't taste good. But after trying two of them, I can tell what it is about them I don't like.
There's a strange chemical-y taste that seems to coat these things. It's kind of like how everything at McDonald's, down to the drinks, have a weird, almost warm chemical aftertaste. Yes, I just described a flavor as "warm."
The pies themselves are merely average, but that weird aftertaste left my mouth feeling like I just threw up. And that is not the mark of a good pie. I won't be trying the peach pie, as I dislike peach.
So they're not AS bad as I previously stated. I should say that for 75 cents or so, you could do a lot worse.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Games Noir Hates (Part TWO!)
And without further ado.....
5.) Big Bird's Hide and Speak (NES)
How many words can you make, before the sun goes down?
I can think of a whole lot of words, Mr. Bird. Too bad they can only be three letter words..
This isn't a game I had the privilege of playing. It was purchased for my sisters way back when they were wee tykes. Purchased for MY NES. I was enraged at the sheer audacity my parents had to purchase this for them to play on MY system. But I got over it, only to rage at the repetitive garbage coming out of our TV's speakers.
Now, don't get me wrong, edutainment is edutainment. The game did exactly what it set out to do. It gave you until the sun (arbitrary timer!) went down to spell as many three letter words as you could. Why when the sun goes down? Maybe it's to avoid being drained by the Count, or tied to a chair and tortured by Grover. Who knows.
The real demon in this game is Big Bird. This game was the first NES game I know of to feature digitized voices, and our friend Mr. Bird sure loved to talk. His voice is iconic, and was delivered in lines so slow, you could fall asleep mid sentence. And that was all I heard. All the time. And it was insanity inducing.
And if anyone thought of that Surfin' Bird song once while reading this, please punch yourself. Thank you.
4.) Demon Sword (NES)
This was the first NES game my Mother purchased for me. And like most surprise video games your parents buy you, this game was a total garbage fire.
If you've ever played Legend of Kage, also for the NES, you've played this. The premise is simple; run from left to right as the stage infinitely loops, killing jumping guys until the level arbitrarily decides to let you finish. The main character looks to be some sort of super athletic drag queen, which is a bit different from the burly Fabioesque warrior hulk on the cover. But that was pretty standard for box art back then.
So is this game an exact shameless ripoff of Kage? Yes. Yes it is. It's a little better looking, I suppose, but running around in an infinite loop killing the same flying skeleton men gets old in a hurry. And this was pretty much the only video game I owned. The best way to equate that would be to say its like the only book you own being the Yellow Pages. Yeah. It's that boring. It's five levels of boring. If I ever meet a man claiming he had the patience to beat this game, I'd call him a liar.
3.)EverQuest(PC)
Yes, that's right. I'm picking on Everquest, the first MMO that people actually PLAYED. I'm aware of games like Ultima Online, but nobody gave a damn about them.
What is there to say about this game? It lacked quests, leveling was terrifyingly slow, and it was ugly. But it was made ages ago. It was before World of Warcraft, which was far superior.
No, I'm going to talk about Dyllin. Dyllin Starsine. My roommate camped this asshole for 16 hours, just to get his hands on a page for a book. And after 16 hours, his lame ass didn't drop the page. So...another 16 hours of camping later, he kills Dyllin again, and he doesn't drop the page. That's 32 hours. Of camping. He waits ANOTHER 16 hours, and luckily Dyllin finally gives it up. TWO FULL DAYS OF SITTING AT A COMPUTER SCREEN for a page of a book that gives you a minimal stat boost. How is that game balance?
Oh wait, it's not. Screw you Everquest.
2.) Final Fantasy XII (PS2)
Speaking of MMOs, here's a sad excuse at a wannabe if I've ever seen one. Squaresoft got into this mode of thinking, and decided that since MMOs were so popular, they'd not only make one of their own, (Final Fantasy XI,) they'd also style their next mainstream game as a sort of "offline MMO." And this was an unmitigated disaster.
The ability to control your party? Gone in favor of micromanaging your character's AI, also known as "Gambits." There is nothing lamer than this. Exploration also became more MMO like, favoring big open areas full of roaming enemies. While this might not sound SO awful, all it takes is two steps in the wrong direction for your entire party to get wiped by a monster ten times your level. Fun!
I'd comment on the characters in the game, but I didn't play long enough to get to know them. Vaan, the main character, is annoying as hell.
The sad thing is, this bullshit has continued on in the forms of Final Fantasy XIII and XIV. Another "Offline MMO" and another actual MMO. Way to suck, Square.
1.) Halo: Combat Evolved (XBOX)
Really. Say you were surprised.
Halo was, at its core, a mediocre shooter. But what it lacked in gameplay, it made up for in multiplayer wackiness. It ushered in a whole new era of online play, and brought a lot of people into the world of gaming.
People like these fine gentlemen:
Yes, Halo brought douchebags to gaming. And they never left. No matter what game you play online today, it's more than likely that 90% of the guys you playing come from Camp Douchebag. And I'm not about to whine that gaming was always a nerd's sport, but I will say that they're not the ones teabagging your corpse, calling you "fag", or talking about how they know how to play shooters because they are/were in the military.
It's these guys who make it hard to even go into a game store on a release date. There was a whole crowd of people like these guys waiting outside of Gamestop to buy Call of Duty last week, all giving us looks as we wandered in to buy our non-shooter game. That's the funny part about these guys; they play games, but they judge those who play anything but Madden and shooters. I don't give a crap if you like Haloz, but you don't have to be a dick about it.
Halo is like that one woman in a zombie movie who thinks she sees her dog or loved one outside, and throws the doors open to let them in, only to flood the place with death and chaos.
And there you have it. There's my list. Maybe I'll do one of games I love next time, just to prove that there's some things out there I don't hate.
Or not. Whatever I feel like.
5.) Big Bird's Hide and Speak (NES)
How many words can you make, before the sun goes down?
I can think of a whole lot of words, Mr. Bird. Too bad they can only be three letter words..
This isn't a game I had the privilege of playing. It was purchased for my sisters way back when they were wee tykes. Purchased for MY NES. I was enraged at the sheer audacity my parents had to purchase this for them to play on MY system. But I got over it, only to rage at the repetitive garbage coming out of our TV's speakers.
Now, don't get me wrong, edutainment is edutainment. The game did exactly what it set out to do. It gave you until the sun (arbitrary timer!) went down to spell as many three letter words as you could. Why when the sun goes down? Maybe it's to avoid being drained by the Count, or tied to a chair and tortured by Grover. Who knows.
The real demon in this game is Big Bird. This game was the first NES game I know of to feature digitized voices, and our friend Mr. Bird sure loved to talk. His voice is iconic, and was delivered in lines so slow, you could fall asleep mid sentence. And that was all I heard. All the time. And it was insanity inducing.
And if anyone thought of that Surfin' Bird song once while reading this, please punch yourself. Thank you.
4.) Demon Sword (NES)
This was the first NES game my Mother purchased for me. And like most surprise video games your parents buy you, this game was a total garbage fire.
If you've ever played Legend of Kage, also for the NES, you've played this. The premise is simple; run from left to right as the stage infinitely loops, killing jumping guys until the level arbitrarily decides to let you finish. The main character looks to be some sort of super athletic drag queen, which is a bit different from the burly Fabioesque warrior hulk on the cover. But that was pretty standard for box art back then.
So is this game an exact shameless ripoff of Kage? Yes. Yes it is. It's a little better looking, I suppose, but running around in an infinite loop killing the same flying skeleton men gets old in a hurry. And this was pretty much the only video game I owned. The best way to equate that would be to say its like the only book you own being the Yellow Pages. Yeah. It's that boring. It's five levels of boring. If I ever meet a man claiming he had the patience to beat this game, I'd call him a liar.
3.)EverQuest(PC)
Yes, that's right. I'm picking on Everquest, the first MMO that people actually PLAYED. I'm aware of games like Ultima Online, but nobody gave a damn about them.
What is there to say about this game? It lacked quests, leveling was terrifyingly slow, and it was ugly. But it was made ages ago. It was before World of Warcraft, which was far superior.
No, I'm going to talk about Dyllin. Dyllin Starsine. My roommate camped this asshole for 16 hours, just to get his hands on a page for a book. And after 16 hours, his lame ass didn't drop the page. So...another 16 hours of camping later, he kills Dyllin again, and he doesn't drop the page. That's 32 hours. Of camping. He waits ANOTHER 16 hours, and luckily Dyllin finally gives it up. TWO FULL DAYS OF SITTING AT A COMPUTER SCREEN for a page of a book that gives you a minimal stat boost. How is that game balance?
Oh wait, it's not. Screw you Everquest.
2.) Final Fantasy XII (PS2)
Speaking of MMOs, here's a sad excuse at a wannabe if I've ever seen one. Squaresoft got into this mode of thinking, and decided that since MMOs were so popular, they'd not only make one of their own, (Final Fantasy XI,) they'd also style their next mainstream game as a sort of "offline MMO." And this was an unmitigated disaster.
The ability to control your party? Gone in favor of micromanaging your character's AI, also known as "Gambits." There is nothing lamer than this. Exploration also became more MMO like, favoring big open areas full of roaming enemies. While this might not sound SO awful, all it takes is two steps in the wrong direction for your entire party to get wiped by a monster ten times your level. Fun!
I'd comment on the characters in the game, but I didn't play long enough to get to know them. Vaan, the main character, is annoying as hell.
The sad thing is, this bullshit has continued on in the forms of Final Fantasy XIII and XIV. Another "Offline MMO" and another actual MMO. Way to suck, Square.
1.) Halo: Combat Evolved (XBOX)
Really. Say you were surprised.
Halo was, at its core, a mediocre shooter. But what it lacked in gameplay, it made up for in multiplayer wackiness. It ushered in a whole new era of online play, and brought a lot of people into the world of gaming.
People like these fine gentlemen:
Yes, Halo brought douchebags to gaming. And they never left. No matter what game you play online today, it's more than likely that 90% of the guys you playing come from Camp Douchebag. And I'm not about to whine that gaming was always a nerd's sport, but I will say that they're not the ones teabagging your corpse, calling you "fag", or talking about how they know how to play shooters because they are/were in the military.
It's these guys who make it hard to even go into a game store on a release date. There was a whole crowd of people like these guys waiting outside of Gamestop to buy Call of Duty last week, all giving us looks as we wandered in to buy our non-shooter game. That's the funny part about these guys; they play games, but they judge those who play anything but Madden and shooters. I don't give a crap if you like Haloz, but you don't have to be a dick about it.
Halo is like that one woman in a zombie movie who thinks she sees her dog or loved one outside, and throws the doors open to let them in, only to flood the place with death and chaos.
And there you have it. There's my list. Maybe I'll do one of games I love next time, just to prove that there's some things out there I don't hate.
Or not. Whatever I feel like.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Games Noir Hates. (part one)
So, I've done a lot of complaining about games. And it never seems like I enjoy any game whatsoever. And this assumption would be true! Okay, it's not completely true. But there are some games I hate far more than others, and instead of griping about genres, I thought I'd just touch on a few specific games. These may not be the worst games of all time, but they fill me with hatred nonetheless. Without further ado...
10.) Two Worlds (Xbox 360)
I'll be completely honest. I spent about a half hour with this game before writing it off as one of the worst abortions gaming could jettison from its loins. It all starts with the incredibly generic fantasy world, and goes screaming downhill from there. It's like the creators wanted to make a game that was as bad, creepy and immature as possible. Just within the first few minutes, you get implied incest between the main character and his sister, as well as the hilarity of him running around asking people where he can find "The Taint." I don't know what the Taint is in this world, but I know what it is in mine, and I certainly wouldn't walk around talking about it.
Not only is the setting idiotic, the gameplay is worse. It's glitched beyond belief, with such fun moments as your character suddenly becoming stuck in midair after a jump. And combat? Well it's frustratingly random and void of any strategy. No matter what weapon you equip, your character flails it in front of him like an extra from a bad kung fu flick. Aside from magic, you have to get right in your enemy's face and flail on the attack button until either you kill him, or he kills you. And speaking of enemies, there are maybe five unique foes in the game, and all the monsters are pretty much just recolored versions of the core five.
So yes, I hate this game. But it's probably because I don't have brain damage. All the positive reviews I've seen for the game are rife with misspellings and god awful grammar. So maybe this game is for them?
SPECIAL BONUS! The Two Worlds official strategy guide actually misspells the title right on the front cover and spine. That's hilarious. The game also comes with a pen and paper role playing book based on itself, so you can bring your misery to your friends!
9.)The Adventures of Batman and Robin (Sega Genesis)
Oh Batman. I want to tell you this game is bad. It really isn't, but its so damned difficult it borders on unplayable. The difficulty starts right out of the gate, and doesn't let up for a second. The entire game is essentially a boss rush mode, with each boss having about 100 "hp." That doesn't seem like much, but when you have to hit the boss twenty times to deal 1HP worth of damage, the fights can drag on forever. And you're fragile enough to go down with a hit or two. GOOD LUCK!
8.) Koudelka (PS1)
Oh my god. This game. This freaking game. This game is the fusion of a grid based RPG game and a survival horror game. You basically stumble around a house of horrors, killing monsters and trying to make sense out of the game's ridiculous plot. And stumble is the right word for it, because most of the house of horrors is open to you from the start. You can find weapons, like lead pipes and such, but their placement is random every time you play, as is their elemental attributes. That's right, you can pick up a lead pipe with a water attribute. And that randomness really kicks you in the ass when you go up against a boss that's immune to all but a certain element, and the game decides not to give you a weapon with that element. This means you're boned and you have to start over from the beginning. And this will happen frequently, so you're going to have to pray luck is on your side. But it's not. The gods of fortune hate you.
As you explore, you'll get into random encounters. The enemies can be hilariously easy, or absurdly hard, even right from the beginning. In the first area of the game, I encountered a random encounter enemy that was harder than the final boss! Again, luck plays a factor here. And as I've stated before, the gods of fortune have forsaken you.
SPECIAL BONUS! The screenshot I found for the game shows that very same super difficult enemy! Upside-down gun-toting zombie man!
7.) Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter (PS2)
I'll put it out there right away. Breath of Fire is god. This is my all-time favorite RPG series, and I hungrily absorb any new game that comes out. That being said, this game is so rage inducing that I'm likely to forget my manners and tell the whole series to die in a fire.
Why? You can't win. The game is cleverly designed in a way where you can't even beat the first boss. You WILL die. And when you do, the game asks you if you want to start a new game. When you die, SOME of your stats and acquired monies carry over to the new game, meaning that you'll need to restart the game from scratch multiple times to be able to advance. They do throw in extra scenes and other plot bits that pop up each time you do so, but there's no fun in replaying the game over and over again just to beat it.
6.)DragonBall Z: Budokai (PS2)
Hey look! A DragonBall Z game! The first one released in America no less! This is gonna be AWESOME! Wait...why can't the characters fly? Why can't they shoot big death beams? Why am I only pushing the punch button? Why does this game suck?
I just listed the games horrible flaws. You expect to fly in a Dragonball Z game. This is not heard of here. You can knock an opponent into the air, but then the two of you wind up awkwardly standing on the air as if it were ground. This is especially hilarious when you beat a guy down and he just sort of..lies on his back in midair. And big destructive energy blasts? No. The only way to do a Kamehameha is to push the energy button while you're mashing the punch button for a combo. All energy attacks are tied into combos, which eliminates the beam throwing antics from the show in favor of a ridiculous game of "who can push punch the fastest."
Granted, later games in the series actually let you throw your energy attacks independent of the punch button, they still had the same overall gameplay. And that overall gameplay was a GIGANTIC disappointment for me, seeing as how I had been eagerly anticipating a DBZ game for years.
5.) Megaman Legends 3
(Edit. This game got cancelled. It doesn't exist. So I hate it for not even coming out. Capcom done goofed here.)
10.) Two Worlds (Xbox 360)
I'll be completely honest. I spent about a half hour with this game before writing it off as one of the worst abortions gaming could jettison from its loins. It all starts with the incredibly generic fantasy world, and goes screaming downhill from there. It's like the creators wanted to make a game that was as bad, creepy and immature as possible. Just within the first few minutes, you get implied incest between the main character and his sister, as well as the hilarity of him running around asking people where he can find "The Taint." I don't know what the Taint is in this world, but I know what it is in mine, and I certainly wouldn't walk around talking about it.
Not only is the setting idiotic, the gameplay is worse. It's glitched beyond belief, with such fun moments as your character suddenly becoming stuck in midair after a jump. And combat? Well it's frustratingly random and void of any strategy. No matter what weapon you equip, your character flails it in front of him like an extra from a bad kung fu flick. Aside from magic, you have to get right in your enemy's face and flail on the attack button until either you kill him, or he kills you. And speaking of enemies, there are maybe five unique foes in the game, and all the monsters are pretty much just recolored versions of the core five.
So yes, I hate this game. But it's probably because I don't have brain damage. All the positive reviews I've seen for the game are rife with misspellings and god awful grammar. So maybe this game is for them?
SPECIAL BONUS! The Two Worlds official strategy guide actually misspells the title right on the front cover and spine. That's hilarious. The game also comes with a pen and paper role playing book based on itself, so you can bring your misery to your friends!
9.)The Adventures of Batman and Robin (Sega Genesis)
Oh Batman. I want to tell you this game is bad. It really isn't, but its so damned difficult it borders on unplayable. The difficulty starts right out of the gate, and doesn't let up for a second. The entire game is essentially a boss rush mode, with each boss having about 100 "hp." That doesn't seem like much, but when you have to hit the boss twenty times to deal 1HP worth of damage, the fights can drag on forever. And you're fragile enough to go down with a hit or two. GOOD LUCK!
8.) Koudelka (PS1)
Oh my god. This game. This freaking game. This game is the fusion of a grid based RPG game and a survival horror game. You basically stumble around a house of horrors, killing monsters and trying to make sense out of the game's ridiculous plot. And stumble is the right word for it, because most of the house of horrors is open to you from the start. You can find weapons, like lead pipes and such, but their placement is random every time you play, as is their elemental attributes. That's right, you can pick up a lead pipe with a water attribute. And that randomness really kicks you in the ass when you go up against a boss that's immune to all but a certain element, and the game decides not to give you a weapon with that element. This means you're boned and you have to start over from the beginning. And this will happen frequently, so you're going to have to pray luck is on your side. But it's not. The gods of fortune hate you.
As you explore, you'll get into random encounters. The enemies can be hilariously easy, or absurdly hard, even right from the beginning. In the first area of the game, I encountered a random encounter enemy that was harder than the final boss! Again, luck plays a factor here. And as I've stated before, the gods of fortune have forsaken you.
SPECIAL BONUS! The screenshot I found for the game shows that very same super difficult enemy! Upside-down gun-toting zombie man!
7.) Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter (PS2)
I'll put it out there right away. Breath of Fire is god. This is my all-time favorite RPG series, and I hungrily absorb any new game that comes out. That being said, this game is so rage inducing that I'm likely to forget my manners and tell the whole series to die in a fire.
Why? You can't win. The game is cleverly designed in a way where you can't even beat the first boss. You WILL die. And when you do, the game asks you if you want to start a new game. When you die, SOME of your stats and acquired monies carry over to the new game, meaning that you'll need to restart the game from scratch multiple times to be able to advance. They do throw in extra scenes and other plot bits that pop up each time you do so, but there's no fun in replaying the game over and over again just to beat it.
6.)DragonBall Z: Budokai (PS2)
Hey look! A DragonBall Z game! The first one released in America no less! This is gonna be AWESOME! Wait...why can't the characters fly? Why can't they shoot big death beams? Why am I only pushing the punch button? Why does this game suck?
I just listed the games horrible flaws. You expect to fly in a Dragonball Z game. This is not heard of here. You can knock an opponent into the air, but then the two of you wind up awkwardly standing on the air as if it were ground. This is especially hilarious when you beat a guy down and he just sort of..lies on his back in midair. And big destructive energy blasts? No. The only way to do a Kamehameha is to push the energy button while you're mashing the punch button for a combo. All energy attacks are tied into combos, which eliminates the beam throwing antics from the show in favor of a ridiculous game of "who can push punch the fastest."
Granted, later games in the series actually let you throw your energy attacks independent of the punch button, they still had the same overall gameplay. And that overall gameplay was a GIGANTIC disappointment for me, seeing as how I had been eagerly anticipating a DBZ game for years.
5.) Megaman Legends 3
(Edit. This game got cancelled. It doesn't exist. So I hate it for not even coming out. Capcom done goofed here.)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
I hate video games.
Look at the top games today. They're all bland, uninspired crap that we've seen a hundred times before. It's a field that's been sliced open and stuffed full of pure trash. It's really hard for me to go into a store and settle on a game these days, and even harder to go home and get some enjoyment out of whatever I do decide to buy. Out of the dozen or so games I've probably purchased this year, I can say I've maybe enjoyed oh..maybe two or three of them?
Today, I'm going to talk about what kinds of games you can find out there, and what pisses me off about them. ENJOY.
Here are the offenders, categorized by genre:
1.) First Person Shooters.
Biggest Offenders: Call of Duty, Halo, Singularity, Medal of Honor
Oh first person shooters. You are the ultimate in uninspired bullshit design. No matter what gimmick you toss into the game, it will always boil down to you looking down the gun barrel at a Nazi, foreigner, Russian, zombie or alien. That's it. Find a first person shooter that doesn't use any of these antagonists. Please, I DARE you. I do understand that these games are typically designed for multiplayer, but that doesn't make them any less derivative. If I'm going to spend 60 dollars on a game, it damned well better have a single player campaign that lasts more than 4 hours.
Point gun, shoot bad guy. Points for getting the head. Rinse and repeat until the next edition of Halo comes out. There's a new Halo or Call of Duty every year it seems, and none of them seem to do anything more than add a handful of guns and maps. I'm not paying 60 bucks for a new in game map.
I am aware that there are also third person shooters out there, which are essentially the same as all of the first person shooters out there, except you can see your grunting loaf of a man's ass as you play.
2.) Brawlers
Biggest Offenders: God of War, Castlevania: Lords of Shadows, Bayonetta, Dante's Inferno, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Oh. My. God. Here's another horrible group. The common brawler. And we have God of War to thank/blame for just about all of it. Rampage through hordes of the same bad guys, flail on your controller buttons until they beg for mercy, repeat until the game is over. Toss in a few quick time events, and you've got the makings of game of the year!
The biggest problem today is that all brawlers ARE God of War. Kill baddies, push the button the game tells you to, and watch gruesome death scenes. Oh, the gruesome death scenes. They're typically ridiculously over the top and unnecessary. All of these games are typically headed by a bulky, angry protagonist whose only weak spots are their dead families. At least four of the games I mentioned above have this kind of protagonist.
And the puzzles. Oh god, the puzzles. I understand that they exist to provide a kind of breather from the mutilation of mythological figures, but they happen so frequently that you just want to skip them and get on with the murdering. If you're going to integrate a puzzle into a game, it should make some logical sense. Kratos stacking blocks Tetris style DOES NOT make logical sense.
3.) Sandbox Games
Biggest Offenders: Grand Theft Auto, Saint's Row, Mafia, Red Dead Redemption. Any open-world Spiderman game.
I don't have a lot of particularly negative things to say about this genre. The problem with open world sandbox gaming is that its so damned open world. I like having stuff to do, but cripes, sometimes there's just too much to do. And why the hell does there always need to be a race in these games? The driving controls are usually awful and don't lend themselves at all to difficult racing sequences.
You'd believe everyone in LA, New York, and the old west wants you to kill and race. All the time. Hell, even Ultimate Spider-Man had a race sequence every couple of minutes.
(Edit: Here we are ten years later and well...some of these are really rad now. Sony's Spiderman is amazing, and Saint's Row got really awesome as it took a hard left right into parody and humor. But there's still TOO MUCH TO DO!)
4.) Sports Games
Biggest Offenders: Madden, NBA, NHL, FIFA, most racing games.
Same junk every year, with only marginal additions or features added. If you like spending 60 bucks yearly on the same game, be my guest.
5.) Music Games
Biggest Offenders: Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero
Note that I didn't mention Rock Band. There's a reason for that. let's take a look at the release list for Guitar Hero and Rock Band, shall we?
Guitar Hero:
Guitar Hero
Guitar Hero II
Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock
Guitar Hero World Tour
Guitar Hero 5
Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock
Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks the 80's
Guitar Hero Smash Hits
Guitar Hero On Tour
Guitar Hero On Tour Decades
Guitar Hero On Tour Modern Hits
Band Hero
Rock Band
Rock Band
Rock Band 2
Rock Band 3
Beatles Rock Band
Green Day Rock Band
Lego Rock Band
Rock Band Unplugged
Rock Band has half the games out that Guitar Hero does. Even if you got rid of the band-centric and portable releases, you're looking at three core Rock Band games to six Guitar Heroes. Guitar Hero releases multiple titles every year, while Rock Band takes its time. This is, of course, because people eat it up, and because Activision has questionable business ethics.
But however you break it down, you can't walk into a store without being assaulted by millions of plastic guitars and band kits. And it's a lottery to see if the one you buy even WORKS out of the box.
I'm not mentioning karaoke games, because they're way too niche in comparison.
6.) The next evolution of RPGs.
Biggest Offenders: Mass Effect, Fallout 3, Final Fantasy XII and XIII.
One day, someone decided that making a turn-based game that had an adventuring party would be lots of fun. And it was. Japan REALLY loved them some turn-based RPGs.
But then, people got tired of them. So they looked to MMOs for a new way to play, which led to the Final Fantasy XII devolving into an uncontrollable mess of a game, where party control was thrown aside in favor of AI controlled party members. This trend continued into the incredibly linear Final Fantasy XIII. Which I'm told was made to appeal to more "western" gamers.
Western gamers. Huh. America tried its hand at new RPGs too, given us the same testosterone laden gunfests we get from our shooters. Fallout 3 is an RPG? noo...it's a first person shooter. Not a bad game, but not an RPG. Mass Effect is more of a third person shooter with stats as well. America likes its shooters. But they're still NOT RPGs.
7.) Anything on a Nintendo System.
Biggest Offenders: Wii, DS.
The Wii is a cesspool of horrid shovelware games. The best games are rather obscure and sell poorly, in favor of trash like Dancing with the Stars, The Biggest Loser, and any of the twenty five million Mario sports titles. Games based on TV shows are the norm, and they're all terrible. I own a DS, and there are a good couple of games on it, but the rest are all awful games that should have never have seen the light of day. I'm looking at you Petz.
I could mention casual games, and Facebook games, but I don't so much consider these games as anything more than social dalliances. That would be like badmouthing Clue or Monopoly I think. These are games that are meant to be played with other people, love them or hate them. But Facebook games are nothing more than ways to leech people's money on supposedly "free" games.
But. There is a saving grace. Digital Downloads. Almost all of the good games I've played this year have been downloadable titles. Scott Pilgrim, Trine, Costume Quest, DeathSpank, these are quirky and interesting titles that may have their shortcomings, but they're charming and original enough to overlook them.
Not that all downloadable games are good. I'm looking at you Blade Kitten.
That's all I can think of right now. I'm not saying that these games are all terrible, just that it doesn't seem like there's any variety anymore. Unique games don't make money, so companies don't like to make them. It's a business, where the things I think are stale are considered "standard" by gamers of today. So if you have as difficult a time as I do finding good games, take a hard look at the guy in the store spending three hundred dollars on a copy of Call of Duty that comes with night vision goggles. Then beat him to death, because no man who buys those goggles is planning to do something wholesome.
Today, I'm going to talk about what kinds of games you can find out there, and what pisses me off about them. ENJOY.
Here are the offenders, categorized by genre:
1.) First Person Shooters.
Biggest Offenders: Call of Duty, Halo, Singularity, Medal of Honor
Oh first person shooters. You are the ultimate in uninspired bullshit design. No matter what gimmick you toss into the game, it will always boil down to you looking down the gun barrel at a Nazi, foreigner, Russian, zombie or alien. That's it. Find a first person shooter that doesn't use any of these antagonists. Please, I DARE you. I do understand that these games are typically designed for multiplayer, but that doesn't make them any less derivative. If I'm going to spend 60 dollars on a game, it damned well better have a single player campaign that lasts more than 4 hours.
Point gun, shoot bad guy. Points for getting the head. Rinse and repeat until the next edition of Halo comes out. There's a new Halo or Call of Duty every year it seems, and none of them seem to do anything more than add a handful of guns and maps. I'm not paying 60 bucks for a new in game map.
I am aware that there are also third person shooters out there, which are essentially the same as all of the first person shooters out there, except you can see your grunting loaf of a man's ass as you play.
2.) Brawlers
Biggest Offenders: God of War, Castlevania: Lords of Shadows, Bayonetta, Dante's Inferno, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
Oh. My. God. Here's another horrible group. The common brawler. And we have God of War to thank/blame for just about all of it. Rampage through hordes of the same bad guys, flail on your controller buttons until they beg for mercy, repeat until the game is over. Toss in a few quick time events, and you've got the makings of game of the year!
The biggest problem today is that all brawlers ARE God of War. Kill baddies, push the button the game tells you to, and watch gruesome death scenes. Oh, the gruesome death scenes. They're typically ridiculously over the top and unnecessary. All of these games are typically headed by a bulky, angry protagonist whose only weak spots are their dead families. At least four of the games I mentioned above have this kind of protagonist.
And the puzzles. Oh god, the puzzles. I understand that they exist to provide a kind of breather from the mutilation of mythological figures, but they happen so frequently that you just want to skip them and get on with the murdering. If you're going to integrate a puzzle into a game, it should make some logical sense. Kratos stacking blocks Tetris style DOES NOT make logical sense.
3.) Sandbox Games
Biggest Offenders: Grand Theft Auto, Saint's Row, Mafia, Red Dead Redemption. Any open-world Spiderman game.
I don't have a lot of particularly negative things to say about this genre. The problem with open world sandbox gaming is that its so damned open world. I like having stuff to do, but cripes, sometimes there's just too much to do. And why the hell does there always need to be a race in these games? The driving controls are usually awful and don't lend themselves at all to difficult racing sequences.
You'd believe everyone in LA, New York, and the old west wants you to kill and race. All the time. Hell, even Ultimate Spider-Man had a race sequence every couple of minutes.
(Edit: Here we are ten years later and well...some of these are really rad now. Sony's Spiderman is amazing, and Saint's Row got really awesome as it took a hard left right into parody and humor. But there's still TOO MUCH TO DO!)
4.) Sports Games
Biggest Offenders: Madden, NBA, NHL, FIFA, most racing games.
Same junk every year, with only marginal additions or features added. If you like spending 60 bucks yearly on the same game, be my guest.
5.) Music Games
Biggest Offenders: Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero
Note that I didn't mention Rock Band. There's a reason for that. let's take a look at the release list for Guitar Hero and Rock Band, shall we?
Guitar Hero:
Guitar Hero
Guitar Hero II
Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock
Guitar Hero World Tour
Guitar Hero 5
Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock
Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks the 80's
Guitar Hero Smash Hits
Guitar Hero On Tour
Guitar Hero On Tour Decades
Guitar Hero On Tour Modern Hits
Band Hero
Rock Band
Rock Band
Rock Band 2
Rock Band 3
Beatles Rock Band
Green Day Rock Band
Lego Rock Band
Rock Band Unplugged
Rock Band has half the games out that Guitar Hero does. Even if you got rid of the band-centric and portable releases, you're looking at three core Rock Band games to six Guitar Heroes. Guitar Hero releases multiple titles every year, while Rock Band takes its time. This is, of course, because people eat it up, and because Activision has questionable business ethics.
But however you break it down, you can't walk into a store without being assaulted by millions of plastic guitars and band kits. And it's a lottery to see if the one you buy even WORKS out of the box.
I'm not mentioning karaoke games, because they're way too niche in comparison.
6.) The next evolution of RPGs.
Biggest Offenders: Mass Effect, Fallout 3, Final Fantasy XII and XIII.
One day, someone decided that making a turn-based game that had an adventuring party would be lots of fun. And it was. Japan REALLY loved them some turn-based RPGs.
But then, people got tired of them. So they looked to MMOs for a new way to play, which led to the Final Fantasy XII devolving into an uncontrollable mess of a game, where party control was thrown aside in favor of AI controlled party members. This trend continued into the incredibly linear Final Fantasy XIII. Which I'm told was made to appeal to more "western" gamers.
Western gamers. Huh. America tried its hand at new RPGs too, given us the same testosterone laden gunfests we get from our shooters. Fallout 3 is an RPG? noo...it's a first person shooter. Not a bad game, but not an RPG. Mass Effect is more of a third person shooter with stats as well. America likes its shooters. But they're still NOT RPGs.
7.) Anything on a Nintendo System.
Biggest Offenders: Wii, DS.
The Wii is a cesspool of horrid shovelware games. The best games are rather obscure and sell poorly, in favor of trash like Dancing with the Stars, The Biggest Loser, and any of the twenty five million Mario sports titles. Games based on TV shows are the norm, and they're all terrible. I own a DS, and there are a good couple of games on it, but the rest are all awful games that should have never have seen the light of day. I'm looking at you Petz.
I could mention casual games, and Facebook games, but I don't so much consider these games as anything more than social dalliances. That would be like badmouthing Clue or Monopoly I think. These are games that are meant to be played with other people, love them or hate them. But Facebook games are nothing more than ways to leech people's money on supposedly "free" games.
But. There is a saving grace. Digital Downloads. Almost all of the good games I've played this year have been downloadable titles. Scott Pilgrim, Trine, Costume Quest, DeathSpank, these are quirky and interesting titles that may have their shortcomings, but they're charming and original enough to overlook them.
Not that all downloadable games are good. I'm looking at you Blade Kitten.
That's all I can think of right now. I'm not saying that these games are all terrible, just that it doesn't seem like there's any variety anymore. Unique games don't make money, so companies don't like to make them. It's a business, where the things I think are stale are considered "standard" by gamers of today. So if you have as difficult a time as I do finding good games, take a hard look at the guy in the store spending three hundred dollars on a copy of Call of Duty that comes with night vision goggles. Then beat him to death, because no man who buys those goggles is planning to do something wholesome.
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