Noir Reviews Mega Man X6
Oh X6. I’ve been waiting to get to this game for a very very long time. It’s been years since I first cracked the factory seal on it and put it through its paces, but now is time for a reckoning. It was at this point that I realized that being a Mega Man fan was like being in a relationship not unlike the kind you see in lifetime original movies. Mega Man X5 was a definite downturn in the series, but X6 will beat the ever loving crap out of you, taking cheap shots just to rub salt in your wounds. But you’ll struggle through it anyway, because your love blinds you to just how bad you’re being treated.
On with the review! It's a long one!
Today, we’ll be using four categories rather than three, because I’m finding I like it better for video game reviews. The max score is now 20 rather than 15.
Story
Graphics
Sound
Gameplay
Story: (1/5)
What a mess. The basic plot is the same as just about every X game before it. Virus has run amok. Bad robots are killing folks. That’s about it. What makes this one so damned awful is all the incomprehensible plot developments, shockers, and secrets. Zero was killed in the last game, but he’s all better now. He hid himself away so he could fix himself. FROM DEATH. This is great timing, as an evil virus Zero is running around killing folks, though we don’t know where he came from or why.
A reploid scientist named Gate is “investigating” the virus incident, but he really just wants to get his hands on Zero’s hot body. There’s his reploid assistant, Isoc, who also wants to get Zero’s body too, and claims he is intimately familiar with Zero. There’s a robot that works for them name Hi-Max, who looks like the unholy love child of Roger Smith AND the Big O. He just likes to float around and talk about how superior he is. And there’s also the minor baddie, Dynamo, from X5, who is out to get Virus DNA because its something to do. There’s also a bit of backstory between Gate and Alia, X and Zero’s navigator, but the game’s poor translation makes it impossible to decipher what their history really is.
Oh, and of course the series’ big bad guy, Sigma, is there too, but he’s not behind anything. He only shows up at the very end of the game to take you on, in a half-dead body that isn’t even capable of coherent thought. His most memorable line was “JUSDIE ZELOOOO!!!” Yep. That’s an actual quote.
I mentioned the poor translation. Almost none of the text makes sense in the game. It’s “A WINNER IS YOU” bad. There are also frequent misspellings running rampant as well. I know Mega Man isn’t known for its deep plotlines, but at least they were all simple, and made some sense. This game couldn’t even address any of the hanging plot threads from the last two games. It gets one point for um..continuing the plot anyway, I suppose.
Graphics: (3/5)
As this is a PS1 era game, it obviously can’t be held to the same graphical standards as games today. But compared to other PS1 games, the Mega Man games weren’t exactly graphic powerhouses. This one is no exception, but for some ungodly reason, this game has a fetish for weird nonsensical backdrops and background images. The level that comes to mind the most is Gate’s Laboratory, the final stage of the game. The background is littered with giant, squatting robotic demons. They’re not enemies, or obstacles, they’re just chilling in the background looking like they’re squatting to take a dump. It’s like they couldn’t come up with anything decent to toss in there, and somebody in the art department screamed “FILL IT WITH GIANT SHITTING ROBOT BAPHOMETS!” The other stages are just as guilty of this, like the junkyard stage with gaudy children’s television show colors, or the giant flickering robot in the background of the weapons lab stage. This thing IS actually an obstacle, but its mere presence is distracting and makes the stage far more difficult as a result.
Sound: (2/5)
This game gets a 1 in the sound department, but only because the sound effects are pretty much the same as they have been since X4. The music is a whole different story. Mega Man games tend to be known for their infectious tunes, but this trend started to die when the series hit the 32 bit generation. For an action game, X6’s soundtrack is strangely mellow. Of the eight main stages, only two of them don’t come off sounding like narcolepsy inducing elevator tunes. And those six background tunes are so mellow and muted that they’re practically buried behind the other game sound effects. The two stages where the music isn’t mellow have obnoxiously hyperkinetic tunes that sound like someone wailing randomly on an electric instrument. The theme for Gate’s Laboratory is pretty good, and is infectious enough to remain in memory. But that’s one song out of many. I guess I'll give it a two for that song alone.
Gameplay: (1/5)
This is going to be a long one. Get some popcorn and get comfy,
This game is so freaking broken it hurts. The difficulty, the controls, and the stages themselves are all a gigantic cluster of bad ideas.
The controls are essentially the same as every other X game. But Capcom, in their infinite wisdom, decided that the game’s obstacles weren’t difficult enough , so they screwed with the control settings so that you die every time you push a button. The game has multiple ladders and wires to grab onto, which require only holding the up button on the directional pad. But the second you need to attack an enemy, you push the attack button only to have Zero scream like a lunatic and launch himself downwards towards the nearest bottomless pit. Apparently the most commonly used button in the game, the one you use to go…UPWARDS, can be combined with an attack button to send you DOWNWARDS. That’s just bad design.
The difficulty of this game is off the charts. It’s bad enough that there are millions of bottomless pits to navigate, each stage seems to want you so dead, they decide to throw even more crap at you while you attempt to make those jumps. I’m going to touch on each stage briefly, just to highlight this tomfuckery.
Commander Yammark’s stage: There are unkillable enemies that hover over huge chasms. They can be disabled temporarily, but when you try to jump past them, they like to resurrect themselves and nail you mid-jump. Oh yeah, and there’s a cave full of blind jumps where there are spikes always just offscreen, and you need to land on the backs of microscopic moving enemies to proceed. And this is the easiest stage.
Ground Scaravich’s stage: There are literally balls of shit that appear randomly, swiftly, and out of nowhere that WILL collide with you while navigating some tricky ass jumps. Oh, and the stage’s layout itself changes everytime you play it.
Blaze Heatnix’s stagel: The entire stage is a boss fight against multiple giant red metal donuts. They’re hard enough by themselves to kill, but combine them with rising lava? Fuuuuuu...
Blizzard Wolfang’s stage: This level is home to ice avalanches that suddenly scream down from above while trying to jump between slippery platforms, and there are areas where ice falls from above, and you need to climb up them mid-fall to escape. Imagine trying to jump on Tetris blocks to go up.
Rainy Turtloid’s stage: Oh lord. This stage. The entire area is a huge bottomless pit with tiny moving platforms no wider than your character. Enemies pop out of the hole to attempt to collide with you. And there’s no time to plan or time your jumps, because there’s a constant acid rain that chips your health away.
Metalshark Player’s stage: The ENTIRE stage is a trash compactor, where the ceiling constantly goes up and down, forcing you to scurry into hidey holes to stay safe. But a lot of those holes have insta-kill spikes. In fact, pretty much all of them do. And in the second part of the stage, the screen auto scrolls the whole time, pushing you to the right.
Shield Sheldon’s stage: Not that bad, actually, this stage can be finished under a minute, providing you can figure out how to redirect a giant laser beam using mirrors to open doors. Oh, and don’t let that giant laser hit you..
Infinity Mijinion’s stage: Tricky platform jumps are bad enough. Combine these with a giant robot in the background whose mere presence obscures your vision. It also constantly shoots at you, and releases drones that shoot unavoidable lasers at you. WHEEE!!
Gate’s Laboratory: The final stage. EVERY hazard I mentioned in the last eight stages is in here at once. This stage is broken up in three segments, each of which needs for you to have a different armor to get through them. And once you finish one, you can’t leave the lab to change armors without having to replay the last stage, which you screw yourself out of finishing because you just changed your armor again. If you screw up, it is actually impossible to finish this level. Good luck.
Oh, and if that’s not enough to make you cry, any of the initial eight stages can adopt properties from the other stages, adding their hazards to its own. They call this the “Nightmare System.” A very appropriate name.
To get through these stages, you’ll need power ups. To get these power ups, you need to rescue reploids you’ll find floating over bottomless pits, or hidden in secret places. There are also enemies that hunt down and infect these reploids. If a reploid gets infected, that power up part is gone for good. If you’re not quick on the trigger, you will find that, yet again, you have just made the game impossible to beat.
And if you end up in a battle with Hi-Max, who can show up randomly at the end of the stages, and don’t have his weakness, he’s impossible to kill.
That’s far too many impossibilities for my taste.
Overall: (7/20)
This game is awful. Pure and simple. Masochists are in for a good time. I highly suggest self-flagellation while you’re playing to enhance the experience. If you have a sensitivity to games that are stupid hard, or are prone to bouts of rage, stay as far away as humanly possible. If you’re a huge Mega Man nerd, you’ll play through it anyway, just like I did.
What? Oh…hi Zero…I was just talking to my friends, and not about you! Honest! OH GOD! NOT THE BEAM SABER!! NOT AGAIN! I’M SORRY!!!!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Review: The Uniflame Deluxe Square Charcoal Grill
Review: The Uniflame Deluxe Square Charcoal Grill
For Father’s Day, we went out to find a cheap grill so we could have some delicious charred animal flesh. We found one for 35 dollars at Wal-Mart. This is our tale:
Assembly (1/5)
This thing was a bear to put together. While the general assembly was simple as hell, the whole thing started when the parts packet wasn’t accurately labeled. How the hell was I supposed to know that screw H shouldn’t be screwed into the lid? It looks just like screw Q! And the screws that are there don’t go in snugly, leaving the legs and lid a floppy mess with zero stability. Add to that the fact that most of the metal rods were warped, and you get a lot of bending bars precariously to reach their holes. What should have taken maybe ten minutes became closer to forty, thanks to the useless instructions and the parts that weren’t clearly labeled. This can be a total nightmare when there are dozens of screws of varying lengths in the packet.
Durability and/or Safety: (1/5)
The air vent handle melted. Seriously, within five minutes of lighting the damn charcoal, the plastic handle for the top air vent melted. Who the hell thought that an easily melted part should be attached to an incredibly hot surface? UNIFLAME! Thanks to the rickety parts and bendy legs, I half expect the lid to fall off its hinges when I open it, or the whole damn thing to pitch forward, dumping its red hot payload on anyone stupid enough to venture near. It has wobbled a couple of times.
Let’s examine an average family cookout: “Hey dad! Can I have another hamburger? OH MY GOD! A SHOWER OF HOT CHARCOAL DEATH! I AM THIRD DEGREE BURNED!”
It could happen to you. This grill was forged by sadistic freaks who would love nothing more than to kill you and your family.
Deliciousness (3/5)
Well? Does it cook meat? Of course it does. It’s a grill. Though the burgers were a bit overcooked, I can hardly blame the grill for that. It took almost two hours to make enough burgers and hot dogs for two adults and a toddler. But this could be the fault of the charcoal, or the fact I put too much in and it took forever to burn. But no. I blame the fucking grill. The bastard compelled me to use too much charcoal. It purposely overcooked my meat , likely to be part of some burnt offering to its twisted masters. But I stopped it. Oh yes, I stopped its plans, and the meat was still more or less yummy. SUCK ON IT UNIFLAME! I (kind of) WIN!
Overall: 5/15
Will I use you again Mr. Grill? Yes. Despite your shitty construction, you are my grill, and I will break you. We will grill many times, and you will attempt to kill me just as many times. But I will survive. And if you piss me off, I will smash you with a sledgehammer and buy a better grill. You will be an example for all the other unruly Uniflame grills out there. Once I am finally forced to destroy you, I will hang you from a light post in front of the Wal-Mart I purchased you in.
But seriously folks. Buy a better brand. Unless you like dodging flaming charcoal briquettes.
For Father’s Day, we went out to find a cheap grill so we could have some delicious charred animal flesh. We found one for 35 dollars at Wal-Mart. This is our tale:
Assembly (1/5)
This thing was a bear to put together. While the general assembly was simple as hell, the whole thing started when the parts packet wasn’t accurately labeled. How the hell was I supposed to know that screw H shouldn’t be screwed into the lid? It looks just like screw Q! And the screws that are there don’t go in snugly, leaving the legs and lid a floppy mess with zero stability. Add to that the fact that most of the metal rods were warped, and you get a lot of bending bars precariously to reach their holes. What should have taken maybe ten minutes became closer to forty, thanks to the useless instructions and the parts that weren’t clearly labeled. This can be a total nightmare when there are dozens of screws of varying lengths in the packet.
Durability and/or Safety: (1/5)
The air vent handle melted. Seriously, within five minutes of lighting the damn charcoal, the plastic handle for the top air vent melted. Who the hell thought that an easily melted part should be attached to an incredibly hot surface? UNIFLAME! Thanks to the rickety parts and bendy legs, I half expect the lid to fall off its hinges when I open it, or the whole damn thing to pitch forward, dumping its red hot payload on anyone stupid enough to venture near. It has wobbled a couple of times.
Let’s examine an average family cookout: “Hey dad! Can I have another hamburger? OH MY GOD! A SHOWER OF HOT CHARCOAL DEATH! I AM THIRD DEGREE BURNED!”
It could happen to you. This grill was forged by sadistic freaks who would love nothing more than to kill you and your family.
Deliciousness (3/5)
Well? Does it cook meat? Of course it does. It’s a grill. Though the burgers were a bit overcooked, I can hardly blame the grill for that. It took almost two hours to make enough burgers and hot dogs for two adults and a toddler. But this could be the fault of the charcoal, or the fact I put too much in and it took forever to burn. But no. I blame the fucking grill. The bastard compelled me to use too much charcoal. It purposely overcooked my meat , likely to be part of some burnt offering to its twisted masters. But I stopped it. Oh yes, I stopped its plans, and the meat was still more or less yummy. SUCK ON IT UNIFLAME! I (kind of) WIN!
Overall: 5/15
Will I use you again Mr. Grill? Yes. Despite your shitty construction, you are my grill, and I will break you. We will grill many times, and you will attempt to kill me just as many times. But I will survive. And if you piss me off, I will smash you with a sledgehammer and buy a better grill. You will be an example for all the other unruly Uniflame grills out there. Once I am finally forced to destroy you, I will hang you from a light post in front of the Wal-Mart I purchased you in.
But seriously folks. Buy a better brand. Unless you like dodging flaming charcoal briquettes.
Noir reviews Transformers: War for Cybertron (For PS3)
Hello all,
Today's review will be a game review, so it's not anything too wacky. But I played it, and you're going have to read what I think of it. So there.
Yesterday, my insane fanboy hands wrenched a copy of Transformers: War for Cybertron from the cold mechanical hands of a Gamestop employee. The marketing campaign at that Gamestop is incredible! It’s as if they actually hired robots specifically to sell this game! I especially love how the lifelike store manager robot glitched out and asked me if I had played the demo three times through the course of ringing out my transaction. I am impressed.
So without further ado, the review:
Graphics: (4/5)
Graphically, the game impresses. The level of detail on everything is astounding, from the metallic surfaces, of which the entire planet is composed, to the details on each individual Transformer. The transformation effects are pretty cool. If I have any complaint, it’s that the different weapon effects are a bit underwhelming. It’s weird to see big explosive weapons unleash tiny, whimpering explosions.
Sound: (4/5)
The sound is pretty standard fare for a third person shooter. Boom, boom, bang, scream, etc. The soundtrack is pretty standard for a sci-fi game, but toe-tapping tunes that you whistle in the shower went out of style back in the days of the 16-bit system. Where the game truly shines is in the voice acting and banter between characters, most of whom insult each other back and forth in the Decepticon campaign. While it may seem a little strange to hear G1 Transformers with new voice actors, Peter Cullen, the original Optimus Prime, is still there, and the other actors are pros that do a pretty good job. I am however, a little put off by Megatron’s voice actor, James Remar. He does a good enough job, but he seems to be channeling movie Megatron more than G1. This is just a fanboy complaint, as I would have loved to heard Frank Welker, Megatron's original voice. It probably doesn't help that I'm also to used seeing James Remar as spectral Harry in the TV show Dexter.
Gameplay: (5/5)
Here’s the meat and potatoes, the one thing the game studio worked on above all else, and it really shows. This game is fluid and responsive, with every screw up you make being your own damned fault. Transformation is done with a click of the analog stick, freeing up your face buttons. And the transformation is no gimmick, but an integral part of the gameplay. For instance, I found that Starscream makes for an excellent sniper in robot mode, but the second enemies start firing back, switching to jet mode and strafing while staying mobile is by far the best option to keep him alive. And if you know how much of a coward Starscream is, you’d see how true to form he plays. And the other robots control just as appropriately. Aiming and firing is a breeze, and the action is always hectic and chaotic. Multiplayer is just as fun, but allows you to create and customize your own Transformers before jumping into battle. The options for creation are a bit limited, but are still pretty good. One small gripe is that while you’re in game, you REALLY need to watch your ammo count. After a handful of shots, you’ll find yourself on empty, leaving you to rely on up close melee against enemies that are aggressively trying to blast you to pieces. Another snag is the game’s loading times, which were brutally long, and prone to freezing up mid-load. Hopefully a patch gets put out to fix this soon. And if you happen to own this for the PS3, enjoy the twenty minute install time that you’ll be treated to before you can even play.
Overall: (13/15)
War for Cybertron is a fanboy’s dream. The license is handled with care, and while the game’s plot is nonexistent, the gameplay, the online mode customization, and the sheer amount of G1 goodness is enough to make up for all the incredibly awful Transformers games that came before this one. You owe it to yourself to pick it up immediately if you’re already a Transformers fan, and if you love shooters in general, it’s still an excellent buy. It’s not 100% perfect, but it’s the closest thing to it that fans have, and its few minor issues don’t mar the overall experience. Go buy it. I order you to. I'll just sit here until you do.
That's it. I'm no Angry Video Game Nerd, so you won't get rage out of me. At least not until I find a video game I loathe enough.
Today's review will be a game review, so it's not anything too wacky. But I played it, and you're going have to read what I think of it. So there.
Yesterday, my insane fanboy hands wrenched a copy of Transformers: War for Cybertron from the cold mechanical hands of a Gamestop employee. The marketing campaign at that Gamestop is incredible! It’s as if they actually hired robots specifically to sell this game! I especially love how the lifelike store manager robot glitched out and asked me if I had played the demo three times through the course of ringing out my transaction. I am impressed.
So without further ado, the review:
Graphics: (4/5)
Graphically, the game impresses. The level of detail on everything is astounding, from the metallic surfaces, of which the entire planet is composed, to the details on each individual Transformer. The transformation effects are pretty cool. If I have any complaint, it’s that the different weapon effects are a bit underwhelming. It’s weird to see big explosive weapons unleash tiny, whimpering explosions.
Sound: (4/5)
The sound is pretty standard fare for a third person shooter. Boom, boom, bang, scream, etc. The soundtrack is pretty standard for a sci-fi game, but toe-tapping tunes that you whistle in the shower went out of style back in the days of the 16-bit system. Where the game truly shines is in the voice acting and banter between characters, most of whom insult each other back and forth in the Decepticon campaign. While it may seem a little strange to hear G1 Transformers with new voice actors, Peter Cullen, the original Optimus Prime, is still there, and the other actors are pros that do a pretty good job. I am however, a little put off by Megatron’s voice actor, James Remar. He does a good enough job, but he seems to be channeling movie Megatron more than G1. This is just a fanboy complaint, as I would have loved to heard Frank Welker, Megatron's original voice. It probably doesn't help that I'm also to used seeing James Remar as spectral Harry in the TV show Dexter.
Gameplay: (5/5)
Here’s the meat and potatoes, the one thing the game studio worked on above all else, and it really shows. This game is fluid and responsive, with every screw up you make being your own damned fault. Transformation is done with a click of the analog stick, freeing up your face buttons. And the transformation is no gimmick, but an integral part of the gameplay. For instance, I found that Starscream makes for an excellent sniper in robot mode, but the second enemies start firing back, switching to jet mode and strafing while staying mobile is by far the best option to keep him alive. And if you know how much of a coward Starscream is, you’d see how true to form he plays. And the other robots control just as appropriately. Aiming and firing is a breeze, and the action is always hectic and chaotic. Multiplayer is just as fun, but allows you to create and customize your own Transformers before jumping into battle. The options for creation are a bit limited, but are still pretty good. One small gripe is that while you’re in game, you REALLY need to watch your ammo count. After a handful of shots, you’ll find yourself on empty, leaving you to rely on up close melee against enemies that are aggressively trying to blast you to pieces. Another snag is the game’s loading times, which were brutally long, and prone to freezing up mid-load. Hopefully a patch gets put out to fix this soon. And if you happen to own this for the PS3, enjoy the twenty minute install time that you’ll be treated to before you can even play.
Overall: (13/15)
War for Cybertron is a fanboy’s dream. The license is handled with care, and while the game’s plot is nonexistent, the gameplay, the online mode customization, and the sheer amount of G1 goodness is enough to make up for all the incredibly awful Transformers games that came before this one. You owe it to yourself to pick it up immediately if you’re already a Transformers fan, and if you love shooters in general, it’s still an excellent buy. It’s not 100% perfect, but it’s the closest thing to it that fans have, and its few minor issues don’t mar the overall experience. Go buy it. I order you to. I'll just sit here until you do.
That's it. I'm no Angry Video Game Nerd, so you won't get rage out of me. At least not until I find a video game I loathe enough.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Welcome to Noir Reviews Everything!
Welcome to Noir Reviews Everything!
This is a place where a man with too much free time comes to review the experiences he's had, products he's used, things he's eaten, or about that person who pissed him off today. I'll be reviewing a wide range of things, so if you're looking for, say, strictly game reviews, you'll be disappointed.
But by now, you should come to expect disappointment in your daily life.
Keep checking back for new content!
And, if you have something you would like me to review, please feel free to drop me a line, and I'll see if I can accommodate your wacky request.
This is a place where a man with too much free time comes to review the experiences he's had, products he's used, things he's eaten, or about that person who pissed him off today. I'll be reviewing a wide range of things, so if you're looking for, say, strictly game reviews, you'll be disappointed.
But by now, you should come to expect disappointment in your daily life.
Keep checking back for new content!
And, if you have something you would like me to review, please feel free to drop me a line, and I'll see if I can accommodate your wacky request.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)