Wow.
I'm not going to score this game. It's fantastic. It's fun, and it's just damned good in general.
That being said, the ending was kind of a WTF, to put it mildly.
I'm not going to spoil it for you, but I will say that it just sort of comes out and says "yeah, we just did that. Deal." And ends the game. So we get a red herring or two, a climactic conclusion, then a bait and switch, a kind of easy and lame boss battle, and then...the ending.
That being said, GETTING to the last battle is tougher than the final boss. Do you like snipers? I hope so because that particular city block has no less than ten of them. It's terrible.
That's all I've got. If you want something more in depth, I'll come back when the game has been out long enough to not spoil crap.
WTF.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Noir Reviews: Transformers Dark of the Moon
Yes, this is incredibly late. I don't give a crap.
So we traded 40 minutes of Megan Fox running through the desert for 40 minutes of some dippy lingerie model falling through a building.
Die in a fire Michael Bay. Give the franchise to someone who can handle it.
FAIL.
So we traded 40 minutes of Megan Fox running through the desert for 40 minutes of some dippy lingerie model falling through a building.
Die in a fire Michael Bay. Give the franchise to someone who can handle it.
FAIL.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Games Noir Loves!
Yes, I hate a lot of games. But sometimes I can allow myself to enjoy a couple of them. So, because not everything has to be so negative around here, I present:
GAMES NOIR LOVES!
And they're in no particular order, because I refuse to make it easy on you people.
1.)Mega Man 3 (NES)
Oh my god Mega Man 3. The third Mega Man in the series, and the first of them I actually played. Yes, we’ll ignore the fact that every game after the second plays pretty much the same, but 3 added something that was integral to survival. THE SLIDE! That’s right, by tapping down and B, The Blue Bomber would slide right underneath obstacles, enemies, IRS auditors, you name it. It fills me with rage that the ability to slide magically went away in Mega Man 9, and continued to stay gone in 10.
The game introduced the Doc Robots, which were skeletal robots that had the data of Robot Masters from Mega Man 2 downloaded into them. You’d beat the first eight Robot Masters, only to have four of their stages re-open, only this time their layouts are way more difficult, and there’s a fight with two Doc Robots per stage.
I guess I should mention that the game also introduced Rush, the Blue Bomber’s faithful dog. But I don’t like Rush, and he only gets more useless with each game. Rush Marine is fucking awesome, and this is the only game you’ll see it. Also, Proto man first shows up here. Is he friend? Is he foe? (Protip: He’s a friend.)
All the new gameplay tweaks made the series more fun than ever. The music was amazing, the stages were weird and unique, the weapons you gained from the masters were neat, (except for Top Spin. That one sucked so much.) and the addition of that slide allowed designers to create new paths and tricks. But that same slide was also given to Shadow Man, which makes him a cheap asshole. And he’s weak to Top Spin too, making him a doubly annoying prick.
2.)Rocket Knight Adventures (Genesis)
The main character is an Opossum. With a jetpack. That’s reason enough to love this game. If it wasn’t, we could throw in the unique gameplay, awesome soundtrack, bright and sharp graphics, and unique and tricky stages that are just tough enough to make you rage at the TV, but not enough to cause you to kill a man.
Rocket Knight was crafted by Konami, the company that brought us a tiny little franchise called CASTLEVANIA. Perhaps you’ve heard of them? Rocket Knight was a sidescroller that had the standard platform jumping, but also had flying shoot em’ up stages, and giant mecha battles. This game was epic. There may have been a plot tossed in there, something about pigs trying to kill everyone with a giant space station, but that took a back seat to the OPOSSUM WITH A SWORD.
The only bad point this game had was the sudden insane ramp in difficulty. After you got through the first two stages, the game stops holding your hand and starts kicking your ass. The mechanics are simple enough, but you’re constantly tested with new ways to utilize them to keep yourself from getting killed. And that is a sign that Konami knew what the hell it was doing. There were also three sequels made. Sparkster for the Genesis and SNES, which were both solid but a bit inferior to the original, and Rocket Knight for the PS3 and 360, which sucked.
3.)Ducktales (NES)
Yes Capcom did a couple of Disney games on the NES. And they were awesome as hell. I didn’t know Scrooge McDuck could kill people with his cane by pogoing off of their skulls until I played this.
Just like Megaman, you can select the order you visit the stages. Each one is set in a different part of the world, and one of them takes place on the moon! How awesome is that?
Capcom games typically have flawless play control and rockin’ 8 bit tunes, and Ducktales is no exception.
And I will never, ever, forget the Moon theme, which ranks up there as one of my favorite game tunes EVAR. Listen for yourself!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_80PQ543rM
4.)Breath of Fire 2 (SNES)
What can I say about this game? This is the game that forced me to dive into the world of RPGs, and I’ve never looked back since.
Breath of Fire 2 is the story of a child named Ryu. He’s got a bit of a problem. He takes a nap in a valley with a creepy dragon skull thing, and wakes up to find that none of the people in his home town knows who the hell he is. Suddenly out on his own, with no idea what the hell happened, he becomes a scrappy orphan, who eventually becomes a scrappy man with a taste for adventure. Oh, and he’s also secretly a dragon in human form. Can’t forget that.
The game had a cast of memorable characters, a plot that eventually made sense, beautiful visuals, and was hard as balls. I’ve played a lot of RPGs since this one, and I can still say this game is among the hardest. You’ll very often go through long dungeon slogs with limited healing items, sparse save points, and insanely hard enemies and bosses. It’s awesome that each of your party members gets a unique quest or two to flesh them out, but you’d damn well better make sure you’re leveling ALL of them, because those quests aren’t optional, and you WILL wind up at the game over screen in a hurry.
But that being said, the journey was a worthy one. The series continued on with 3 and 4, two games that carry on its legacy of being great but incredibly hard. 3 gets special note for its Desert of Death, which I could write an entire Noir Review on, because it makes me want to scream just thinking about it. (Watch for the review, coming soon!)
5.)Shin Megami Tensei 3: Nocturne (PS2)
Yes, everyone is in love with Persona now, and will feverishly lap at any crumbs Atlus throws their way. But Nocturne is the one you should thank for bringing the Shin Megami Tensei series into this generation’s eye. I’m not ragging on Persona games, because they were awesome, but Nocturne is what started me on a strange journey into the world of Shin Megami Tensei.
To put it mildy, Nocturne is like a demonic Digimon. You can talk to demons, and convince them to join your party, and you can fuse them together to create more powerful demons. Demons demons demons. There are lots of demons in this game. The game plays out more or less like a traditional RPG, but EVERYTHING banks on weaknesses and resistances. Hit a bosses’ weakness? You get extra turns to keep kicking his ass. Hit a resistance? Well you lose the rest of your turn, and the boss kicks your ass. Hell, random enemies will kill you dead if you don’t have defense against insta-kill spells. It’s tough but fair, and you’ll start to feel like a god once you figure out how everything works.
I’d comment on the plot, but there really isn’t one. World ends, main character needs to fight to resurrect the world. Of course, there are around six different endings, based on decisions you make in the game, giving it a lot of replay value.
And for those who want to get technical, I am well aware that Persona 2: Eternal Punishment came out in America way before Nocturne, but it was virtually unknown on the Playstation, and didn’t generate a lot of buzz. Nocturne hit PS2, and sold well enough to flood the market with demon summoning joy ever since.
And the funny thing is, now fans are screaming for a re-release of Persona 2.
6.)Illbleed (Dreamcast)
Describing why this game is great is impossible. It’s stupid as hell, cheap, overly difficult, gives you no direction on how to play it, and controls like a segway through wet cement. But that being said, it’s brilliant.
I’m going to have to do a review of this one to get into it’s meaty core. Imagine if someone gave you a set of magic binoculars , and sent you through a haunted house. Traps, monsters, and other weird stuff can come out of nowhere, but you can see the places they MAY jump out at you through the binoculars. Every time you look through them, you get weaker and more fatigued. There. There’s the basic gameplay.
This place is definitely evil, but there’s still a campy theme park vibe. And it makes the setting wacky and unforgettable. And some of that stuff will never EVER leave my mind. And that is why I love it.
Here’s a couple of clips from the game that just help point out how fucking weird it is:
HELL CAKE!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDq2pE4xG6Y
HAPPY WOODSMAN!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbthBruDAzk&feature=related
RAAAACHELLL!.: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUCOfrSOVuY
7.) Mega Man X (SNES)
Yes, it’s another Mega Man game. Sue me.
But this was the first game in an all-new series. Gone were the cutesy robot masters, gone were the colorful cotton candy days of Mega Man game past. We now jump ahead a hundred years into the future, where horrible viruses cause robots (reploids) to rebel against their human creators. And their leader Sigma won’t settle for anything less than total human extinction.
Enter X. X is not Mega Man. Sure he’s blue, and can copy weapons from dead robots, but that’s where the character similarities end. X is a conflicted killing machine with the power to melt nations on a whim. And his buddy Zero is a nigh unkillable sword swinging badass.
The game itself added all sorts of new gameplay mechanics. Such as weapons with alternate charge modes, animal themed bosses, armor pickups that increased X’s abilities and gave him powers like the ability to dash, radar that provided stage maps and item locations, and even the ability to fly in later games in the series.
This was the first 16-bit title in the series, and the results were astounding. For a longtime Mega Man fan, this was a worthy and, dare I say it, SUPERIOR incarnation of the Mega Man franchise.
And it paved the way for the Zero and ZX series, which are based on the X series, and are equally awesome.
8.)Contra: Hard Corps (Genesis)
Whoo boy. Lots of people have played Contra back on the NES, but how many of them have played Contra: Hard Corps?
It’s a typical run and gun platform game, where death awaits you at every step. Like a lot of games on this list, Hard Corps is a nightmare to beat. I’d love to say that I just have a fondness for hard games, but the truth is that A LOT of games from back in the 8 and 16 bit eras were tough as nails.
What sets this apart from the previous Contras is the variety of play. There are branching paths so often, which lead to some crazy ass levels and bosses, and even hidden endings. Did I mention that the bosses are crazy? Hell yeah. They’re all huge, fill the screen with white hot death, and are determined to kill you. Just look at the pic! That big blue robot had to run after the train you’re riding on, just to kick your skull in. That’s determination.
It’s impossible to see everything this game has in one sitting. Toss in multiple characters each with unique weapons, and this one’s pure gold. Except for the jungle level. I would deforest the entire planet just to see this stage purged from existence.
9.) Silent Hill (PSX)
Ah..Silent Hill. I have fond memories of playing you back in a dank, terrifying dormitory, where my roommate and I dwelled in the basement “Honor Floor.” It left us afraid to walk down those hallways for weeks. Why, because Silent Hill is utterly terrifying.
I’m not going to hash out the whole plot here, but all you need to know is that you’re an every man looking for your missing daughter in a tow that is low on people, and high on monsters, fog, and weird crap.
And that’s what set this game apart. A lot of people compared it to Resident Evil, and bemoaned its lack of heavy artillery. But you’re not supposed to fight here. Your character isn’t a skilled soldier or supercop, he’s a writer and a nerd. His aim is shoddy at best, and with the limited amount of ammo, you’re going to have to resort to beating enemies with a lead pipe. It’s hard to be scared when you’ve got a rocket launcher, so I can’t be afraid of Resident Evil.
And a lot of that fear comes from the atmosphere, camera placement, music, and general mindgames that comes up in every area. Locales vary from places like abandoned schools, hospitals, churches, and the town itself, which is covered in thick fog, and no living soul is found anywhere, with a couple of notable exceptions. Fear is isolation,.
And the enemies? Holy crap. No zombies in this game! Oh no. In the first couple of minutes of gameplay, Harry gets gang stabbed by knife wielding children! From then on, it’s unmentionable horrors that have come to steal your shaking, terrified soul. And as the series progressed…..
We got Pyramid Head. And you KNOW how iconic he is.
10.) Jet Set Radio (Dreamcast)
Another hit from the Dreamcast, Jet Set Radio was a fiesta of spray-painting roller-blading fun. The control was fluid as hell, making you feel like king of the streets every time you pick up the controller. The main gimmick of the game is that you can grind on pretty much EVERY surface in the game, allowing you to tool around the city with impunity. Telephone poles, billboards, wires, buses, there’s no limit to the crazy stuff you can trick off of in this game. Oh yeah, you can also tag stuff with spray paint, and even create your own custom tags. The soundtrack was also awesome, but also weird as hell at times.
This was also the first game to use the Cel-Shading animation style, which millions of games abused afterwards.
There’s a plot, sure, something about futuristic Tokyo being in a horrid police state where rollerblading gangs are actively hunted by the authorities. This means little, but is noteworthy because the cops will employ everything from tear gas to tanks and helicopters to put an end to your free-wheeling wall-tagging days. And that over the top nonsense is exactly what makes this game awesome.
GAMES NOIR LOVES!
And they're in no particular order, because I refuse to make it easy on you people.
1.)Mega Man 3 (NES)
Oh my god Mega Man 3. The third Mega Man in the series, and the first of them I actually played. Yes, we’ll ignore the fact that every game after the second plays pretty much the same, but 3 added something that was integral to survival. THE SLIDE! That’s right, by tapping down and B, The Blue Bomber would slide right underneath obstacles, enemies, IRS auditors, you name it. It fills me with rage that the ability to slide magically went away in Mega Man 9, and continued to stay gone in 10.
The game introduced the Doc Robots, which were skeletal robots that had the data of Robot Masters from Mega Man 2 downloaded into them. You’d beat the first eight Robot Masters, only to have four of their stages re-open, only this time their layouts are way more difficult, and there’s a fight with two Doc Robots per stage.
I guess I should mention that the game also introduced Rush, the Blue Bomber’s faithful dog. But I don’t like Rush, and he only gets more useless with each game. Rush Marine is fucking awesome, and this is the only game you’ll see it. Also, Proto man first shows up here. Is he friend? Is he foe? (Protip: He’s a friend.)
All the new gameplay tweaks made the series more fun than ever. The music was amazing, the stages were weird and unique, the weapons you gained from the masters were neat, (except for Top Spin. That one sucked so much.) and the addition of that slide allowed designers to create new paths and tricks. But that same slide was also given to Shadow Man, which makes him a cheap asshole. And he’s weak to Top Spin too, making him a doubly annoying prick.
2.)Rocket Knight Adventures (Genesis)
The main character is an Opossum. With a jetpack. That’s reason enough to love this game. If it wasn’t, we could throw in the unique gameplay, awesome soundtrack, bright and sharp graphics, and unique and tricky stages that are just tough enough to make you rage at the TV, but not enough to cause you to kill a man.
Rocket Knight was crafted by Konami, the company that brought us a tiny little franchise called CASTLEVANIA. Perhaps you’ve heard of them? Rocket Knight was a sidescroller that had the standard platform jumping, but also had flying shoot em’ up stages, and giant mecha battles. This game was epic. There may have been a plot tossed in there, something about pigs trying to kill everyone with a giant space station, but that took a back seat to the OPOSSUM WITH A SWORD.
The only bad point this game had was the sudden insane ramp in difficulty. After you got through the first two stages, the game stops holding your hand and starts kicking your ass. The mechanics are simple enough, but you’re constantly tested with new ways to utilize them to keep yourself from getting killed. And that is a sign that Konami knew what the hell it was doing. There were also three sequels made. Sparkster for the Genesis and SNES, which were both solid but a bit inferior to the original, and Rocket Knight for the PS3 and 360, which sucked.
3.)Ducktales (NES)
Yes Capcom did a couple of Disney games on the NES. And they were awesome as hell. I didn’t know Scrooge McDuck could kill people with his cane by pogoing off of their skulls until I played this.
Just like Megaman, you can select the order you visit the stages. Each one is set in a different part of the world, and one of them takes place on the moon! How awesome is that?
Capcom games typically have flawless play control and rockin’ 8 bit tunes, and Ducktales is no exception.
And I will never, ever, forget the Moon theme, which ranks up there as one of my favorite game tunes EVAR. Listen for yourself!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_80PQ543rM
4.)Breath of Fire 2 (SNES)
What can I say about this game? This is the game that forced me to dive into the world of RPGs, and I’ve never looked back since.
Breath of Fire 2 is the story of a child named Ryu. He’s got a bit of a problem. He takes a nap in a valley with a creepy dragon skull thing, and wakes up to find that none of the people in his home town knows who the hell he is. Suddenly out on his own, with no idea what the hell happened, he becomes a scrappy orphan, who eventually becomes a scrappy man with a taste for adventure. Oh, and he’s also secretly a dragon in human form. Can’t forget that.
The game had a cast of memorable characters, a plot that eventually made sense, beautiful visuals, and was hard as balls. I’ve played a lot of RPGs since this one, and I can still say this game is among the hardest. You’ll very often go through long dungeon slogs with limited healing items, sparse save points, and insanely hard enemies and bosses. It’s awesome that each of your party members gets a unique quest or two to flesh them out, but you’d damn well better make sure you’re leveling ALL of them, because those quests aren’t optional, and you WILL wind up at the game over screen in a hurry.
But that being said, the journey was a worthy one. The series continued on with 3 and 4, two games that carry on its legacy of being great but incredibly hard. 3 gets special note for its Desert of Death, which I could write an entire Noir Review on, because it makes me want to scream just thinking about it. (Watch for the review, coming soon!)
5.)Shin Megami Tensei 3: Nocturne (PS2)
Yes, everyone is in love with Persona now, and will feverishly lap at any crumbs Atlus throws their way. But Nocturne is the one you should thank for bringing the Shin Megami Tensei series into this generation’s eye. I’m not ragging on Persona games, because they were awesome, but Nocturne is what started me on a strange journey into the world of Shin Megami Tensei.
To put it mildy, Nocturne is like a demonic Digimon. You can talk to demons, and convince them to join your party, and you can fuse them together to create more powerful demons. Demons demons demons. There are lots of demons in this game. The game plays out more or less like a traditional RPG, but EVERYTHING banks on weaknesses and resistances. Hit a bosses’ weakness? You get extra turns to keep kicking his ass. Hit a resistance? Well you lose the rest of your turn, and the boss kicks your ass. Hell, random enemies will kill you dead if you don’t have defense against insta-kill spells. It’s tough but fair, and you’ll start to feel like a god once you figure out how everything works.
I’d comment on the plot, but there really isn’t one. World ends, main character needs to fight to resurrect the world. Of course, there are around six different endings, based on decisions you make in the game, giving it a lot of replay value.
And for those who want to get technical, I am well aware that Persona 2: Eternal Punishment came out in America way before Nocturne, but it was virtually unknown on the Playstation, and didn’t generate a lot of buzz. Nocturne hit PS2, and sold well enough to flood the market with demon summoning joy ever since.
And the funny thing is, now fans are screaming for a re-release of Persona 2.
6.)Illbleed (Dreamcast)
Describing why this game is great is impossible. It’s stupid as hell, cheap, overly difficult, gives you no direction on how to play it, and controls like a segway through wet cement. But that being said, it’s brilliant.
I’m going to have to do a review of this one to get into it’s meaty core. Imagine if someone gave you a set of magic binoculars , and sent you through a haunted house. Traps, monsters, and other weird stuff can come out of nowhere, but you can see the places they MAY jump out at you through the binoculars. Every time you look through them, you get weaker and more fatigued. There. There’s the basic gameplay.
This place is definitely evil, but there’s still a campy theme park vibe. And it makes the setting wacky and unforgettable. And some of that stuff will never EVER leave my mind. And that is why I love it.
Here’s a couple of clips from the game that just help point out how fucking weird it is:
HELL CAKE!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDq2pE4xG6Y
HAPPY WOODSMAN!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbthBruDAzk&feature=related
RAAAACHELLL!.: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUCOfrSOVuY
7.) Mega Man X (SNES)
Yes, it’s another Mega Man game. Sue me.
But this was the first game in an all-new series. Gone were the cutesy robot masters, gone were the colorful cotton candy days of Mega Man game past. We now jump ahead a hundred years into the future, where horrible viruses cause robots (reploids) to rebel against their human creators. And their leader Sigma won’t settle for anything less than total human extinction.
Enter X. X is not Mega Man. Sure he’s blue, and can copy weapons from dead robots, but that’s where the character similarities end. X is a conflicted killing machine with the power to melt nations on a whim. And his buddy Zero is a nigh unkillable sword swinging badass.
The game itself added all sorts of new gameplay mechanics. Such as weapons with alternate charge modes, animal themed bosses, armor pickups that increased X’s abilities and gave him powers like the ability to dash, radar that provided stage maps and item locations, and even the ability to fly in later games in the series.
This was the first 16-bit title in the series, and the results were astounding. For a longtime Mega Man fan, this was a worthy and, dare I say it, SUPERIOR incarnation of the Mega Man franchise.
And it paved the way for the Zero and ZX series, which are based on the X series, and are equally awesome.
8.)Contra: Hard Corps (Genesis)
Whoo boy. Lots of people have played Contra back on the NES, but how many of them have played Contra: Hard Corps?
It’s a typical run and gun platform game, where death awaits you at every step. Like a lot of games on this list, Hard Corps is a nightmare to beat. I’d love to say that I just have a fondness for hard games, but the truth is that A LOT of games from back in the 8 and 16 bit eras were tough as nails.
What sets this apart from the previous Contras is the variety of play. There are branching paths so often, which lead to some crazy ass levels and bosses, and even hidden endings. Did I mention that the bosses are crazy? Hell yeah. They’re all huge, fill the screen with white hot death, and are determined to kill you. Just look at the pic! That big blue robot had to run after the train you’re riding on, just to kick your skull in. That’s determination.
It’s impossible to see everything this game has in one sitting. Toss in multiple characters each with unique weapons, and this one’s pure gold. Except for the jungle level. I would deforest the entire planet just to see this stage purged from existence.
9.) Silent Hill (PSX)
Ah..Silent Hill. I have fond memories of playing you back in a dank, terrifying dormitory, where my roommate and I dwelled in the basement “Honor Floor.” It left us afraid to walk down those hallways for weeks. Why, because Silent Hill is utterly terrifying.
I’m not going to hash out the whole plot here, but all you need to know is that you’re an every man looking for your missing daughter in a tow that is low on people, and high on monsters, fog, and weird crap.
And that’s what set this game apart. A lot of people compared it to Resident Evil, and bemoaned its lack of heavy artillery. But you’re not supposed to fight here. Your character isn’t a skilled soldier or supercop, he’s a writer and a nerd. His aim is shoddy at best, and with the limited amount of ammo, you’re going to have to resort to beating enemies with a lead pipe. It’s hard to be scared when you’ve got a rocket launcher, so I can’t be afraid of Resident Evil.
And a lot of that fear comes from the atmosphere, camera placement, music, and general mindgames that comes up in every area. Locales vary from places like abandoned schools, hospitals, churches, and the town itself, which is covered in thick fog, and no living soul is found anywhere, with a couple of notable exceptions. Fear is isolation,.
And the enemies? Holy crap. No zombies in this game! Oh no. In the first couple of minutes of gameplay, Harry gets gang stabbed by knife wielding children! From then on, it’s unmentionable horrors that have come to steal your shaking, terrified soul. And as the series progressed…..
We got Pyramid Head. And you KNOW how iconic he is.
10.) Jet Set Radio (Dreamcast)
Another hit from the Dreamcast, Jet Set Radio was a fiesta of spray-painting roller-blading fun. The control was fluid as hell, making you feel like king of the streets every time you pick up the controller. The main gimmick of the game is that you can grind on pretty much EVERY surface in the game, allowing you to tool around the city with impunity. Telephone poles, billboards, wires, buses, there’s no limit to the crazy stuff you can trick off of in this game. Oh yeah, you can also tag stuff with spray paint, and even create your own custom tags. The soundtrack was also awesome, but also weird as hell at times.
This was also the first game to use the Cel-Shading animation style, which millions of games abused afterwards.
There’s a plot, sure, something about futuristic Tokyo being in a horrid police state where rollerblading gangs are actively hunted by the authorities. This means little, but is noteworthy because the cops will employ everything from tear gas to tanks and helicopters to put an end to your free-wheeling wall-tagging days. And that over the top nonsense is exactly what makes this game awesome.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)